No, not the sensational, yellow-journalism of “Storm Stories,” Geez. remember when the WC used to report just the weather? Kinda like how MTV used to run music videos? Well I guess reality-type, over-exaggerated, TV dramas sell. Gotta feed the need. OMG.
Oh and I bet many small towns in America think Jim Cantore is the angel of death.
When I was a kid, Publix printed up hurricane tracker charts on the paper bags. (ya’ll in the North, it’s pronounced “Pub Licks.”) We used them to track hurricanes in Cub Scouts, back when the National Hurricane Center used to report air pressure systems and fronts. INFORMATION. Before news went all kattywompus. Tears are used as a hook and I heard from the mouth of a TV reporter at KING 5 “If we don’t come back with video of someone crying, the segment producer gets snippy.”
We had radio broadcasts and updates in fact form only. Not all the speculation and projected bla-bla-bla that sound bytes have morphed into.
The 1967 season was the only year during the period in which a storm did not affect the state. That was the year Charlie was born. (Hurricane Charley was later)
Andrew was in 1992. Homestead took it the hardest! Also there was the Storm of the century in 1992, an unpredictable storm that caught everyone off guard and created night flooding in New Port Richey. (where we lived!) Opal struck Bama 1995. Took down trees in Brewton, where we were living at the time.
The strongest hurricane to hit Florida during the aughts was Hurricane Charley, which was the strongest hurricane to strike the United States since Hurricane Andrew. Additionally, hurricanes Ivan, Jeanne, Dennis, Wilma, and Irma made landfall on the state as major hurricanes.
Charley hit FLA twice. 2004. I did the same thing. Moved away to St Louis, then came back to do more damage. Hey be careful what you name storms. (like yer pets! Don’t name a pet cat “scratchy”)
Hurricane Elena, in August of 1985 moved into the gulf and then… just sat there and kept us all high alert.
I was supposed to start my senior year at Prin in St Louis, but the entire gulf coast was on alert and flights were cancelled. We all waited for days as it sat churning, then moved one way, then doubling back. Some arm bands buffeted our house and I climbed a tree to feel the winds.
I also got to evacuate the house when they thought it was turning toward Florida and I had 10 cats in the car. Cats hate riding in a car -and hate water. They got plenty of both and I got scratches all over me. (Scratchy!) Picture a cat in the car while going thru a car wash! Well the storm didn’t hit us head one, it turned off and we got to go back home and I started school, late.
Hurricane Arlene was a popular hurricane name. Like Brittany for babies in the 90’s.
I was in bama for shows in 2005. That’s when the phantom storm brushed us. Shows went on, since nothing was really happening, all eyes were upward as clouds rushed by, I wanted to see the effects or the storm surge which were large waves that splashed over the connector bridge. (on that road from Pensacola) I think I caught two waterspouts as well. I about drove off the road!
Most hurricanes start as a tropical wave. ~An angry zephyr. N-S direction is like a tropical trough, and hurricanes gravitate towards a low air pressure cycle.
The butterfly in Africa flapping it’s wings etc etc. bla bla bla. High pressure is like a mountain, low pressure is like a skateboard park for clouds. Fronts act as walls and can make a hurricane reverse or turn quickly. I learned that as a kid, not from a hyper weatherman groping for ratings.
Contrary to what the forecast models tell you, they still display unpredictability. Even Farmer’s Almanac is wrong sometimes. Havent’ we figured that out yet? No need proof? Look around, you’ll see that chaos theory everywhere. Jeff Goldblum imitation here.
Coming soon: How to build own barometer, with a jar a balloon, a straw and a rubber band. I learned that in scouts. More soon!
The first time I noticed I had a dad with an otherworldly sense of humor is when i went with him on a bunny hunt. It was 1976.
Dad was quiet most of the time, so it was funny watching him build huge illegal contraptions on the roof of his car. he usually located the bunny first and got to be the bunny the next week. He was not content to broadcast in a parking lot or alley.
His most memorable stunt was dressing up as a elderly black man in a wheelchair, and secretly broadcasting under the blanket. all the hunters were unsure of how to approach him. I remember watching from the car, thinking -how elaborate- of a prank this was.
They said he was cheating being out of his car, but Dad pointed out a motorized wheelchair is a vehicle. So when they would stare blankly at him, he would cackle with delight.
He thought it was hilarious.
He was Hilarious, Larry for short.
When i got older and learned that this kind of behavior was considered erratic, i was very happy. I never wanted to be a normal person and it pleased me both ends to realize I had a nut in my family tree.
He liked to tinker, to find alternate bizarre ways of analyzing a situation. A different POV! And he liked to taking people along for the ride. It was a fun ride, and I am happy and proud to carry on the weird gene!
His old Ford Bronco?———————————————————->
PS: He was pulled over and warned by a park ranger in the Lime Mines of Florida. He was driving on the bouncy railroad tracks, straddling one track. He was also chasing white tailed deer; off road, speeding through the trees. All this with a car full of cub scouts.
Enjoy these downloadable free MP3’s of live recordings during school assembly comedy.
Or studio stories and songs. (from CD and radio vignettes)
Follow the links below, listen or download! It takes you to Mediafire. Click the “listen” button to open a player in your browser. Click the “download” button to save to your computer. Holler if you have problems, I am testing out their service!
The Hog Wild Comedy Hour!
These are recordings from a live show at Medina Elementary school. 4rth Grade students enjoy the rowdy kid comedy!
A few free MP3s from my album lineup. Listen or download!
Sound Safari Theater
These studio sessions were used for the library’s dial in story line via Touch Tone Tales! They are short vignettes -for a quick and easy listen.
Are the links working? If not holler and email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Would you rather watch me doing funny stuff in videos? Click here!
Well, I joined facebook back in Summer of 2008. I thought- what a great way to irritate all my friends at once! I spent many long minutes thinking up ridiculous puns and goofy comments. Recently I had a few people ask me to compile a list of all the funny stuff. Here it is, read em and weep.
Kevlar underwear is just a fabrication.
Cows remember the beef recall.
Giving my Mom’s sister a hard time, now I have an aunty-bullying program!
I love when you are watching a movie in a theater- and it’s a quiet scene, the two are about to kiss, and you hear a loud BOOM from the theater next door. I always wish I was watching THAT movie.
Nowadays, the toads lick the hippies!
studying entomology and getting antsy
My new literacy-graffiti program is called “the writing on the wall!”
Should I justify myself, or align right?
I’m raising hand-fed sharks in my big aquarium! I ran out of food after the second feeding.
Taking some painting classes! But I can’t decide on Corel or Photoshop.
Oh, when it comes to an awesome toilet, I’m on it!
Lifting with your legs would be easier if you had a thumb instead of a big toe
Show definitions: “Microphobe” is someone afraid of a microphone.
Show definitions: “Clapter” when an audience is mildly amused and light applause ensues.
Would love to see a new Sesame Street character with irritable vowel syndrome
Trying to whiz in a busy public bathroom truly is peer pressure
I was hollering at a guy in the tanning salon, when I realized how pointless the argument was. I was just going off on a tangent. HA HA HA HA HA
It shouldn’t be called impeached, it should be called unpresidented.
Actually, the dinosaurs were wiped out by toilet paper.
The best color to be stranded with on a desert island? Maroon
The worst place to be during an earthquake? Lazer eye surgery
Starring in a musical western this week: Gunfight at the OK Chorale!
Had a drinking race with my dog but he lapped me.
I would like to let go of the government. I just wish I had some closure.
Always have to use the bathroom in the wee hours of the morning.
The cows are on grass and the stakes are high
people who love action words are verbihores
In the old days they were called “couch potatoes.” Now they are called”youtubers.”
Bumper sticker on Jesus’ donkey: “Savior Ass”
The Illuminati is behind the whole light bulb conspiracy
Saw a dog with a prosthetic limb and thought ‘Now that was a faux pas!’ Heeeyoooooo
The bible belt is on way too tight.
Hyper-Sensitive Comedian: “QUIT LAUGHING AT ME!!!”
I told the contractor to hurry up with our patio and then he decked me!
My chiropractor said my new spine is on back order
A dog skooching across the floor is really scraping bottom.
Only certain animals are koalafied to live in Australia
Saw a mythical creature at Taco Bell- the fabled Chalupacabra!
I went to get a snack in the kitchen and the place was desserted
Peanut butter cups sound like something elephants wear.
I never put all my eggs in one basket, unless it’s Easter.
Working on a movie script! I’m doing a muppet version of Silence of the Lambs. With Animal Lecter.
Just arrived in Malaysia and having a hard time getting oriented.
He has risen! Happy Yeaster!
Always remember, where there’s smoke- there’s hippies.
Always remember, where there’s a will, there’s relatives fighting.
The ipad doesn’t support flash but the trench-coat does
When I think about libraries I shush myself.
Got the saplings for my tree farm! Mostly dogwoods. I’m thinking of calling my new project “Bough Wow!”
Stormed out of my incompetent dentist’s office and yelled “you can’t handle the tooth!”
It’s getting cold in here, so put on some more clothes. I am getting so cold, I’m gonna put more clothes on!
Going to sharpen my pencil then I thought -what’s the point?
I am proof that people like me exist
These protesters are startin’ to occupy my nerves
My new baby story-time is called “Tales from the Cribbed”
I actually heard a newscaster refer to people living in their cars as “the mobile homeless”
Took my video camera to the shoe store and got some great footage
promotional game, fetch the schtick
Hey Forrest, it’s printed on the inside of the lid, man.
addendum to the old saying: “There’s light at the end of the tunnel.” It’s a train.
I can see clearly now my brain is gone
A shovel can give you hours of wholesome entertainment
TESTOSTERONE! It’s a bitch.
multi CULT uralism
The snuggle bear got his paw caught in a lint trap- had to chew it off!
I’m just not destined to be a fatalist
The cure for ADHD? Dodgeball.
Honk if you love Jesus, so he can jump out of the way.
Surfing competitions would be much more exciting if they added sharks.
These days it is a radical act NOT to have a tattoo
I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
Crop circles aren’t from UFOs, they are leftover marks from those hippie drum circles.
Dropped my waffle at the beach, and now I have a sandy Eggo! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
If you love somebody, set them free. If they don’t return, then hire Boba Fett
online banking sounds like web-based drift game.
Non Profit actually really means Big Friggin Profit.
I went from “what if!” to “what the if!”
Every cloud has a silver lining. Well, except that big mushroom shaped one.
I was healed when an evangelical hog laid hams on me
Come to think of it, I have never seen the honey nut cheerios bee and the nasonex bee in the same room.
Saw a show called “Puppets Gone Wild.” It was a bunch of puppets lifting up their shirts and showing their wrists.
The cure for anemia is listening to Iron Maiden
some days yer the bull, other days yer the china shop.
some days you are the bear, other days you are the woods!
Doing something nice for the environment just to make you feel better is called being ego friendly
I’m dying to start a natural cause
when the highway smells bad, you give it a pave mint.
Just soiled myself in the garden
Our basset hound is truly a carpet liquidator.
Sold enough snake oil to fill up three cups of tea!
Reading and loving it: How Stella got her Traveling Pants Back from the Sisterhood
Posting a resume on LinkedIn? Yeah, right. Nobody needs to see what I’ve done for money in the past.
Passed a real milestone and man did it hurt.
I considered prospecting for gold but it didn’t pan out.
I actually heard this line on Sid the Science Kid: “Hey, you all ready to start collecting data and cataloging it?! (other kids) Yaaaay!” I stared blankly at this horrible show for the entire 30 minutes. Then I was reminded of Revelation 8:1 When the Lamb broke the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour. My conclusion? Sid the Science kid= The apocalypse.
I went to a “family style” restaurant. The waiter started crying over an offhand comment I said, then ran into the bathroom and locked himself in there for hours.
The next person to give me their elevator speech is getting thrown down one.
I saw a naked wildebeest running around in the Gnude!!
Got punched in my interface.
If you are going to the self serve orthodontist, you need to really brace yourself
Wanted to go to a ranch where I could take time to reflect. So I went to the Ponderosa. HA HA HA HA
The chances of me losing weight are slim.
Always keep a pair of gloves handy.
People are put in 2 categories, does your heart or your brain rule you? I think actually your butt is behind everything!
Tattoo’s favorite part of the flight is when they deplane, deplane.
Our dog had a rough day
I put a nice plug in for water conservation!
I saw me a jumbuck smoking from a billabong!
“Upon thee will I strike down with vengeance great and anger furious, attempting to poison and destroy my brothers, those who would. My name is the Lord -you will know, when, upon thee, I will lay my vengeance.” Yoda as Jules.
Shake Weight? I do that every time I move.
I’m raising awareness by hiking up my pants!
This weekend! The Walk for the Cure of Blisters event!
The worst time for a zombie apocalypse would be Halloween
I did some battery acid and saw little energizer bunnies everywhere
The penis mightier than the sword? Actually, the space bar is mightier than the meaning.
Hey let someone else have a crack at that toilet!
Side effects may include bowel-loosening hiccups
Being a priest these days is touch and go
I noticed the nail salon does a lot of file sharing
Chain smoking is so bad, there’s a lot of carcinogens in that metal!
Yes, I just joined a cult. They wear blue shirts and worship little white boxes of pretentiousness. Their symbol is an apple with a bite out of it- something to do with Adam and Eve. I am now required to grow a goatee, wear sandals with jeans and drive an Outback. My friends, do you know Mac has a plan for you? You will be assimilated.
Getting back to my roots, with some dye
I can’t stand all this sitting around! HA HA HA HA
my butt is a rearing to go.
My dentist is actually a drill sergeant!
Home ownership is considered a gamble but the house always wins
At the embassy entrance there was a diplomat on the floor
I’d like to hold Sara Bareilles’ head under water.
Maybe Gary Coleman died from a stroke- a different stroke
The name “Sauron” has a nice ring to it
killing time in the cemetery
My mind is a teel strap
what exactly is the benefit of the doubt? A fundraiser for St Thomas?
When in Rome, you pay for roaming.
Hair remover should be called flee shampoo
corduroy pillows are making headlines!
Veggie Tales are too fruity for me.
Isn’t it weird how awards for kids are used to build self esteem and then awards for adults are used for one upping?
Having a staff meeting with Gandalf today.
Treebeard accidentally stepped on the lorax
Is it just me or does Adobe Reader ALWAYS need a freakin update?
Saw that little sign that says “baby on board”. Wouldn’t diapers work better?
Church robes are for cross dressers
Started carving a statue, but that turned out to be a bust
The future of Boeing is still up in the air
Pinocchio needed some help getting off the hook, so I pulled a few strings
“Chintz!” the sound of change going back in your pocket
“Barf!” is an onomatopoeia originating from the sound of a dog puking just as he goes to bark.
took some binoculars to Weight Watchers
a duty free shop is just a store without bathrooms
Everyone else has an iphone, but I decided to get an itouch myself!
Drums are the most symbolic instrument
I saw some hungry hungry hippos at a game crossing
A handyman lives on a fixed income
Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough to enage in religious sects
Ever see a rope tied around a tree, that grew into it over the years and now is part of the tree? Thats what my belt looks like these days.
Went to the M Night Shyamalan chiropractic clinic. Spine therapy with a surprise twist!
Deja Vu doesn’t work if you have a bad memory.
The Care Bears shoulda been called Pander Bears
Slowly unraveling the mystery of the missing blanket
I am quitting leftovers cold turkey
An eskimos toilet is an ig loo
Logging in some hours in the bathroom
Saw a giant poo and said ‘what a waste!’
I like making my own elevator music
Hawk harrf! Sorry about that! My cat hacked into my computer!
Why do you sink slowly in quicksand?
Side effects may include bowel-loosening hiccups
Performing my naptime show at the Siesta Fiesta
Doing school assemblies brick by brick!
fell asleep playing chess and got my game face on!
You touch that socket again and you are grounded!
The way Tarzan swings through the jungle is divine!
Just saw a Buns of Steel video -it had C3PO in it
Saw a sign that says “End road work.” I agree.
You cannot “own” a lentil, it is merely just a rental. So be sure to tell the waiter, you’ll pay for those lentils later!
Didja know graphite comes from Pennsylvania!
It’s weird, but McCain’s head is sorta shaped like Arizona
The squeaky wheel is the first to get greased
Roger that, Staples, this is Office Depot, do you copy? Over!
I got scammed again! Ordered a wireless extension cord and the box was empty.
Repaired a kilt with scotch tape
I’m learning to play the guitar and trying not to fret over it.
the only time you get a break from doing laundry is during lent.
I slapped a statue on the butt and thats when I knew I had hit rock bottom.
That song “Under the Sea” sure has a catchy hook.
got some cheeseburgers and margaritas at the jimmy buffet
I am training to be like Rocky! ….(Rocky Road)
For you digi-folk wanting a paperless world, two words. Toilet paper.
Underhanded people play softball
support a sense of humor…. buy a jokestrap.
Home is where the fart is.
“no hitch hiking” is a good rule of thumb
Grasshopper, if you can snatch the pebble from my hand, then that frees me up to slap you.
And I mean it from the heart of my bottom.
My dog attacked a group of street performers and went straight for the juggler
There’s something fishy about Christianity.
Anger, rage and bitterness are all crosswords
Computer mice are part of the “In” click.
The best flowers to use for an apology would be “oopsy daisies”
I’m writing a book about how to make money by selling a life philosophy. It’s called “The I Cha-Ching”
Most of the people from “It’s a Wonderful Life” are dead now.
Picked up some chess pieces at the pawn shop!
the antipasto touched the pasta and my plate exploded!
Someone who teaches you the proper way to fart would be your tutor. HAHAHAHAHAHA
Someone who lights their own farts would be an arse-sonist
If Winnie the Poo opened a bar, then Tigger could be the bouncer
I ate so much cookie dough I pooped a Keebler elf
I remember when we brought home our hound puppy in a bassinet!
This just in…”My bad” is no longer a cute punchline.
Mr Potatohead was showing me pictures of when he was a tottler
when babysitters collide that’s called a nanny nanny boo boo
Got an organic oil change today! Instead of 10w40, they used hemp oil! It runs a lot smoother, but when the light turns green, it hesitates. Oh and the headlights are now red.
I called my insurance company for a quote and they told me, “A penny saved is a penny earned”, then hung up.
I yelled “MURDERERS!” at some Christmas tree shoppers, then threw a bucket of syrup on them
It’s so creepy how eggs tweet when you boil them
Mens warehouse- lord of the pants!
“Go with the flow, mate” said the duck billed platitude
Red sky at night, sailors wear tights
Does elephant poo taste like peanut butter?
What exactly is “extreme caution”? Like being VERY careful? Is the very really necessary?
the thundercats are a bunch of pussies
having no memory makes nostalgia more interesting.
Intelligence is all in your mind.
I am being stalked in the corn maze
My friend wanted me to go to a Yoga class, but I thought it was too much of a stretch
REI stands for really expensive inventory
the social divisions money creates don’t make any sense!
i have a bone to pick with the coroner
i have an axe to grind with those lumberjacks
debating with an ass only leads to endless rebuttal
prostitution is whorrific!
if an earthquake hits while you are in a supermarket, head for the stationery aisle
The pedestrian does not have the right of way. Yield right of way to the thing that can kill you.
maybe the cure for ADHD is to not be so friggin boring.
it goes without saying, except right there.
Why is the guy holding the ‘men at work’ sign doing absolutely nothing?
There would be less boating accidents if people went thru the proper channels
One man’s poop is another man’s poopourri
I heard the garbagemen trash talking
A good name for a zombie band would be “The Deadbeats”.
A good name for the retirement home musicians would be “The Rocking Chairs.”
the SWAT team just needs some bug spray
When a surfer dies do they hold a wake?
Obi Wan Kenobi said: “Only a Sith deals in absolutes.” Absolutely!
“Assisted suicide” is an incorrect term
is watching a musical potty training video called “The Wetting Singer”
If you kick a guy in the groin, it might make him a little testy
Maybe the tree of knowledge had dutch elm disease
If hindsight is 20/20, then my ass needs glasses
was wondering how to stop thinking and finally came to a conclusion.
Seeing a car twice is called Deja Vroom!
Going to see Harry Potter and the Half Baked Plot
Before I see GI Joe, I’ll have to get tanked
“Finding Nemo” is when Pixar jumped the shark.
saw a pop-up ad for Levitra
The chickens are staging a coup!!!
My clothes came out of the washer dyed red. Maybe it was that darn communist agitator
I worship at Church’s Fried Chicken
I may be feeling old, but I can still raise a little cane.
I’m watering the lawn and puttin’ on the spritz
I’m shopping for a dog at the flea market
Why is Braille so confusing? I just can’t put my finger on it.
Something about my massage therapist rubs me the wrong way.
I am too tired to go biking
The top 10 rejected kids books! #10: “Mr. Conductor and the Lightning Storm!”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #9: “The Lion in the Witch’s Wardrobe.”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #8: “The Mouse and the Motorcycle Bar.”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #7: “The Little Engine that Couldn’t.”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #6: “Are you my Father?”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #5: “Snow White and the Seven Deadly Sins.
The top 10 rejected kids books! #4: “The Brownstain Bears.”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #3: “Bipolar Bear, Bipolar Bear, what is Today?”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #2: “Clifford the Big Red Dog Leaves a Big Yellow Spot in the Bears Big Blue House.”
AND the number one rejected kids book: “Captain Underpants on Skid Row!”
Henry VII should have eaten at Taco Bell. Then he woulda produced an heir!
I thought the sign said “Speeding’s Fine Doubled.”
I’m taking some time to reflect on the purpose of a mirror.
Don’t ask me about the secret location of the outhouse, I am not privy to that information.
I’m trying to remember if I’ve ever seen the Hunchback of Notre Dame, but the name Quasimodo doesn’t ring any bells.
That feeling you get that you’ve already visited the bathroom is called “deja poo”
What did Wendy do when she saw Captain Hook? She Peter Pants.
If Jodi Foster really wanted to see aliens she should have worn contact lenses.
If Princess Leia had turned evil, then she would have been Luke’s Sithster!
I picked up my car and it had a tutu on it. That’s the last time I use ballet parking. HA HA HA HA HA
photographers have a negative attitude.
chess players always go to pieces.
I saw a sign that said “Wet Floor”. So I did.
I saw a sign that said “Steel plates on roadway ahead”. So I did.
CNN, MSNBC and FOX News should combine networks and call themsleves WTFN.
I gotta do more cross-training if I’m going to be a Christian.
There’s a new weight loss patch. It covers your mouth!
I’ve always looked up to tall people
aaaaaaaaaah, a lemon… is there anything more sublime?
I have too many fires in the iron
I don’t take botox at face value
Great kids movie: Timmy the Tooth get a cavity search.
My cranium should quit while it’s ahead
I’m sick of all these TLAs.
My inner child needs a spanking
My history is beautiful, I have a photogenic memory
a bathroom with no toilet is uncanny
picking the right toilet is a process of elimination
I asked a mixologist for clarification
I’m jogging with a sock in my mouth, it’s my favorite running gag!
I want a tattoo of one of those 3-D pictures you stare at for a few minutes and then the image appears.
I need some advice for performing my old west show so I hired a stage coach.
the evil test-tube baby grew up to be a vial villain.
working on my new e-board book “Baby’s First Bluetooth”
I display no prescient powers, so I am filing as a non-prophet
I’ll have to be weaned off hot dogs
This new bathrobe ties my whole outfit together!
I learned to make sure a seashell is vacant before listening to hear the ocean.
I learned that tequila and yoga don’t mix.
Baby bunting is trying to advance a runner.
going off the deep end means more room to swim!
they even charge a toll for the sound of a bell.
Do not go walkabout in a roundabout.
Sometimes a sun tan is very appealing
There is some bad blood between me and the malaria mosquitoes
My New Year resolution is in 300 dpi
I’m doing Tai Chi with Chai Tea
My preacher has an altar ego.
I’m playing “catch the sofa” with my chaise lounge
I saw a guy playing piano and now have pianist envy.
I heard Pavlov’s bell and know the hour of salvitation is at hand.
I’m feeling very blessed after my last sneeze.
I’m getting in sync but thinking the tub may be better.
lousy punctuation is getting some bad comma,
Unwrapped a gift clock. There’s no time like the present.
I started an abnormally slow burning fire with flame retardant.
A wrinkly shirt is ironic.
I’m eating chili and waiting for my second wind.
camping is intense.
I’m getting nostalgic about the future.
I spilled white-out on my pants and now I stand corrected.
I’m looking into contact lenses
I have become comfortably dumb
I’m caring less and less about more and more.
trying to think of another word for thesaurus
Somebody should take a whiz on the burning man.
There’s a liquidation sale at the waterbed store.
Undertakers run their business into the ground
I’m practicing playing guitar while standing with one leg bent back. I want to learn Flamingo. HA HA HA HA HA
Charles Preston Williams has been making noise in schools and libraries since he was a kid. He’s worked as a DJ, MC, Cartoonist, Kids Comedian, Children’s Librarian and Dancing Air Balloon Sky-Guy in front of a car dealership.
He published his first book “Flush, An Ode to Toilets” in 2006. He is now the vocal foley effect artist for Sound Safari Theater, an audio company that produces children’s albums and educational programs about Onomatopoeia.
In other words, he writes, illustrates and performs funny kids stories.
The year: 1967. The Summer of Love.
He was raised in St. Petersburg and became the poster boy for the Florida Edyookayshunal Sistumm.
Then in 1978, he was officially banned from the library due to his noisy nature. He was just reading outloud.
The courts ruled in favor of the first amendment (freedom of speech) -even though he was “speaking” like a chainsaw.
Here he is during a parent teacher conference.
Here he is imitating a human being.
His therapist insisted that applause only encouraged his misguided behavior.
in 1995 in a bizarre, Karmic, twist of fate, he began working in a Wyoming library that has asked to remain anonymous.
Here he is with the staff, performing the controversial “Wattle Warbles.”
…much to the irritation of boring authors and pompous storytellers everywhere, he has written and performed noisy tales around the world.
He has recorded 8 albums of stories and published 4 books.
“Noisy Tales” 2001
“Seasoned Greetings” 2002
“The Decline of Westurn Sivalizashun”*
“Crogs and Frickets”*
Immanuel Kant but Charlie Can!”*
“Tao Te Boing”*
“Sugar Frosted Noisy Tales” 2008
* Touch Tone Tales Package 2005
“No Services, Next Exit 140 Miles” 1997
“Don’t Feed the Vultures” 1998
“Flush! An Ode to Toilets” 2006
“Goodnight Baboon” 2010
Here is a real life deficeincy report from the 9th grade. Click to enlarge.
Then go “ooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!” Like the kids do in a lunchroom when someone drops their tray.
Hey, everybody get’s in trouble now and then. Nobody’s perfect!
Ask your parents what kind of trouble they got into and watch em squirm!
How to make your very own loud and annoying paper popper!
Disclaimer: We have had a few problems, so we had to create some rules. Thank you for observing them.
Not following them, just observing them. Thank you.
DO NOT use the paper popper in classes, libraries, church services or while your parents are sleeping.
Please use paper to make a popper. BACON WILL NOT WORK, ERIC!
Do not use the popper behind a skittish herd of buffalo.
Do not use the popper behind a skittish herd of baby boomers.
As with all other enjoyable activities in these overly-safety-conscious times, use protective eyewear and a helmet.
IMPORTANT: Choice of paper results in different sounding pops.
Construction paper makes the loudest pop, toilet paper makes the softest.
Please remember to recycle. Trees are very sensitive and when they see you wasting paper, it makes them
rustle their leaves in anger.
Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery while playing with a popper. It’s probably safe to say- don’t play with heavy machinery -period. The construction workers freak out the next day.
Okay, let’s get started! First off, grab an 8.5 X 11 sheet of regular, garden-variety, notebook paper.
Step 1. Lay it on the table, landscape. (longways)
Step 2. Fold up from the bottom, about 2 inches.
Step 3. Fold up again, another 2 inches. You following this, Eric?
Step 4. Fold it in half. Keep your previous folds on the outside.
Step 5. Pick it up and hold the tip of the fold in the middle, like so.
Now here’s the hard part, so pay attention!
Step 7. It should look like this. Now hold the bottom right corners…
Make sure the inner fold is loose and can slide easily.
Step 9. This may take a few tries, but it’s all in the wrist.
Swing the popper down so the air pockets catch the wind! Your wrist is making the motion of throwing a dart. The sound of the paper unfolding make the pop.
The faster you swing your popper, the louder the pop. Practice a few times and you’ll get the hang of it. With a regular sheet of paper and a
flip of your arm -like throwing a frisbee -you can make an incredibly loud CRACK! Sometimes the paper rips from the sheer force! That means you are DOIN’ IT RIGHT!
Have fun and try not to get into too much trouble, you little scamps!
Watch the video on how to make a paper popper!
First off: “Ompa” is the sound of a car going over a speedbump.
Onomatopoeia is derived from Greek words meaning “name making.”
Onomatopoeia means the “name” given to a sound. It’s a word imitation of noise. But it is hard to spell onomatopoeia and even harder to describe what it is, much less pronounce it. You always have to stop and explain it.
So to make things easier, I shortened it to OMPA. Which is what onomatopoeia is anyway- a conversational speedbump.
Here is a list of Onomatopoeia and their definitions, written by elementary school kids.
Arp a seal bark
Arf a dog bark
Ack a choking sound
Aggitta a shaking your head in confusion
Argh a frustrated exclamation
Arrroooo a wolf howl
Arrr a pirate’s growl
Ahem clearing your throat expectantly
Bark what a dog says
Barf what a dog says when it vomits
Bang a gunshot
Boom an explosion
Bash a crushing sound
Bing a soft belltone
Badoom a percussive explosion
Boing a spring or a bounce
Bap a fish hitting the side of your head
Baliggle water in motion
Buzz the hum of a bee
Belch a violent burp
Burp a mild belch
Bong a bell sound
Bbbbbbb an engine hum (rolling)
Bump a collision
Blorp a large bubble eruption
Blibble what a jacuzzi says
Blurp a watery burp
Baaa what a sheep says
Bok Bagok what a chicken says
Bling shiney jewelry
Bop Foofoo hitting a field mouse’s head
Bam another percussive sound
Beep a car horn
Bubble air released from water
Blubble excited air released from water
Babble incoherent vocals
Beebop a style of music
Bounce the sound of little jumps
Biff to knock on Marty McFly’s head
Brush combing hair
Bonk two skulls hitting
Boosh a toddler imitating a collision
Bray what a donkey says
Bow the sound of being stretched
Bungee the sound of a rubber band going taught and bouncing back suddenly
Clip Clop horses hooves
Clonk another concussion sound
Clang a big bell dropped on a floor
Crash a collision
Crinkle crumpling up paper
Clink a colonel dropping his monacle
Clap singular applause
Creak something under pressure
Click a small tapping sound
Clack Clicks brother
Chop what an axe says
Careen a car hitting a guardrail
Chirp what a bird says
Cheep what a small bird says
Crunch a hard object crushed
Cough an quick expulsion of air
Cluck more chicken speak
Clunk a heavy object dropped
Croak what a frog says
Chickaboom a rythmic beat
Chomp an eating sound
Chuckle a low laugh
Clash two objects not in agreement
Clatter lots of dropped objects
Cha-ching a cash register
Cuckoo what a psychiatrist says
Choo what a train says
Chew a train eating
Chug a train drinking
Crack breaking a treebranch or spine
Clank a plank of wood on a metal floor
Crow what a crow does
Chip to break off a small piece
Crackle what a fire says
Chuck hurl away someone named charles
Chintz the sound of change going back in your pocket
Doink a small berry on a tennis racket
Ding Dong a doorbell
Da Dom Domm detective Joe Friday arriving
Digga Digga the echoey sound of a diving board
Drip what water says
Dinka Dinka a cartoon character sneaking on tippy toes
Dink dipping a pen in a glass inkwell
Dump the sound of garbage thrown into a pit
Dong hitting your head on a large churchbell
Drift car tires losing traction then getting it again
Eek what a mouse says or –
what you say when you see one
Earp how a sheriff burps
Eayah what you yell during karate class
Fwoosh the sound of a jetplane
Fwap something soft hitting your head
Flip Flop the sound of cheap beach shoes
Fizz what soda says
Fizzle a dud firecracker
Flutter birds wings
Flush what a toilet says
Flitter the sound of butterfly wings
Flap a flying sound
Flog the sound of punishment
Flub almost slipping in the bathtub
Fft a lighter or how to distract a disobedient dog
Fling throwing an object to one you love
Fisst the sound of a tire losing air
Fwip when a small object flies out of reach
Flirt the sound of eyelashes batting
Groan an overworked engine
Grind something forced under another object
Galoop stirring thick soup
Gallop how a horse runs in Texas
Gish squishing a bug
Grunt a quick growl of disapproval
Gong hitting a metal plate in disapproval
Gobble what a turkey says-or- eating on Thanksgiving
Gargle liquid in the back of your throat
Growl a friction throat noise
Grumble mummbling in disapproval
Gasp a surprised intake of air
Gag to cut off that intake of air
Giggle to titter and snicker
Glorp pulling a goolash out of mud
Glitch stepping in dogpoop or a disruptive sound
Gurgle what you say at the bottom of a pool
Gleam the sound of shine
Gulp to swallow air
Gweeze squishing mud between your fingers
Guish smishing guava through your toes
Honk another car horn
Haaaaaa whisper this word to imitate a crowd cheer
Hoohah a bike horn-or- a shindig
Hum singing with your mouth closed
Hiss an angry snake or cat
Howl what a wold does
Hoot what an owl gives
Ha-ha laughter vocalized
Hack a cat with a hairball
-or- to chop
-or- a comic using recycled humor
Herrr-wee-err what a Didgeridoo says
Hee-Haw how hillbilly’s imitate their favorite show
Hug sound of someone gently squeezing the air out of you
Itch the sound of a dog scratching
Ick the sound of a sick dog
-or- your reaction to the sick dog
Jigga a diving board
Jang a guitar
Jangle playing a guitar
Jingle what Santa’s shoes do
Jab a quick stab
Junk the sound of throwing garbage away
Jiggle what jello says
Jig a dancing washing machine
Jam strongly stuffing berries into a jar
Jiggy with what Will Smith gets
Knock what you do to a door
Kong a large gorilla hitting the ground
Kapow a cartoon sound of getting hit with a brick
Kaboom a noisy cereal
Kaching a small cash register
Kersmitch stomping on a flaming bag of cow poop
Kachunk when an idea falls into place
King a crown falling on the tile floor
Kick the sound of your foot as a weapon
Krinkle to wad up cellophane
Kringle jingle bells inside a Santa outfit
Luggle flopping your cheeks around
Lap how dogs drink
Lick how dogs kiss
Moo what a cow says
Munch chewing with your mouth closed
Mash what you do to potatoes
Meow what a cat says
Moan what a ghost says
Murmer soft voices speaking low
Mumble speaking under your breath
Near what a slide guitar says
Neigh how a horse disapproves
Ning what a train crossing says
Nibble to sample with your teeth
Nip to sample a bit more, not a full bite
Nudge a vocal imitation of discreet push
Oink what a pig says -or- orange and pink mixed
Oop reaction to coconuts dropped on your feet
Ooh what a gorilla says
Ooze slow moving glue
Ompa car tires muffled going over a speedbump.
-or- a self reference
Plop dropping something mushy on the floor
Poit a popping cork sound
Pip smacking your lips quietly in great expectation
Punch a Hawaiian hitting you in the stomach
Pideek curly getting his eye poked
Pbbfflliitt! a linguio-labial trill -or- raspberry
Ping the sound of a small plastic ball
Plunk to play the piano with one finger
Purr what cats and sweet rides do
Puck the sound of a slap shot
Phlegm the sound of clearing your throat
Plash a soft splash
Pop your dad’s ears depressurizing
Pitter patter little feet
Pppppppp a distant lawn mower
Pitchoo a whispered gunshot
Pidoom a really giant footfall
Pow a voiced gunshot
Psst quietly getting attention -or- a truck’s air brakes
Pling to pluck a harps string
Pluck a single pling
Piddle an unhousebroken dog on a wooden floor
Quack what a duck says
Q whisper the letter, it’s a lazer!
Qualm a uneasy sound your stomach makes
Quisp the sound of a crunchy cereal
Ring what a phone does to your ears
Rrrrr what a siren says
Roar a lion
Ruff a dog’s quick bark
Rattle what a snake does to your nerves
Rattatta lame imitation of a tommy gun
Rip what your old pants say
Ribbit what a frog says
Rumble what a thundercloud says
Rustle cows playing in a pile of leaves
Ralph Chong throwing up in Cheech’s lap
Ricky Ricky Ricky imitating scratching a record
Ripple the sound of a pebble dropped in water
Snort a violent sniffle
Sizzle what a cooking steak says
Swish to enter a room wearing a cape
Slish what kids do to puddles
Splash jumping in water
Swat military police hitting a rioter
Swig taking a long draught
Slip losing your footing
Sssss a leaky tire -or- snakespeak
Snap what your fingers or Rice Krispies do
Sknit! Wolverines claws coming out
Scratch fingernails on skin
Shatter a sheet of glass breaking, shanoobie
Splat ice cream hitting the sidewalk
Shock what you do to the monkey -or-
touching an electrical outlet
Stomp To pretentiously bang on various objects in the guise of performance art
Stamp The sound of angrily slapping postage on a letter
Slam the car door closing angriliy
Slap an open handed reaction to an inappropriate comment
Snarl curling your upper lip up and growling
Snicker suppressed laughter
Screech car tires around a tight corner
Scrunch your knees as you hunker down
Slosh kids still in puddles
Smack a hard slap or a soft kiss
Sniffle a liquified sniff
Sniff the sound of mucus
Splatter dropping a bowl of soup
Sputter your engine’s last word
Sweep what a broom says
Shimmy to vibrate and girate -or- an additive to a “cocoa pop” beat
Shake to move your booty back and forth quickly
Stretch the sound of expanding muscles
Squeak what a mouse says as a door opens
Squish stepping in thick oozy mud
Slash foiled again
Scribble the sound of writing
Spritz what a hose does
Shing unsheathing a sword
Sigh a meloncholy air release
Swirl wind in an eddy
Smash hulk’s fist crushing a car
Schlamiel your shoe’s heel scuffling on the sidewalk outside of Hasenfeffer Incorporated
Swipe zipping a card through the reader begrudgingly
Scrape fingernails on a plate
Shik-shik cocking a gun
Squeegee the sound of a sponge wiping a windshield
Smoosh crushing a spider
Shikka the sound of a running cockroach
Snip what scissors say
Slop lousy lunch food hitting your plate
Squirt a small burst of water
Shonk sheathing your sword
Spitoon tobacco juice hitting a containment recepticle
Shudder a body-wide quiver
Shiver what timbers do
Snitch the annoying whisper of a tattletale
Swizzle flinging colored sugar from a straw
Stab what a knife says
Sprinkle using your fingers to distribute small particles
Strum run your fingers along guitar strings
Saw quick sawing motion sounds
Tick Tock clockspeak
Ting tapping a spoon on a glass to get everyone’s attention
Tsk the clicking tongue of a shameful mother
Tchakka vibrating your tongue over your outstetched lower lip
Thwip an arrow going into a straw target
Thunk an arrow going into someone’s chest
Thud getting hit in the head with a mallet
Tweet birds circling your head after getting hit
Tap deliberate rhythmic toe or finger habit
Thwack an arrow with a message attached hitting your chest
Tip-toe the rhythmic sound of sneaking on toes end
Thum plucking a banjo
Tinkle a small bit of water on the ground
Tingle what Peter Parker’s spider sense does
Trickle the last bit of a tinkle
Twang the string of the bow after you shoot
Tikka keyboard typing
Thib the sound of a plucking string
Thip sneaky sounds on tippy toes
Thong The sound of plucking a G string
Toot what a tugboat says
Tween a richocet
Tah-Dah imitating a band’s final flourish
Tonka a small metal truck toy going down stairs
Trump slamming your winning cards on the table
Uowow what a growling mountain lion says
Urgh a groan when you lift a heavy object
Ugh a groan when you eat something gross
Vroom the sound of a speeding car
(Repeated sound of a car is Deja Vroom)
Vdddrrr the sound of a dentist drill
Whack to try something or hit a tree with an axe
Whomp something big hitting… (there it is)
Wham something mid-sized hitting
Whoosh something big just missing you
Whimper a soft whine
Whine a prolonged whimper
Wheeze the lungs of a 300 pound jogger
Whap a quick mild slap to the head
Whisper the sound of hushed voices
Whip the sound of punishment
Whump a cat falling off a bookshelf on carpet
Whiff a quick sniff
Waft odor in motion
Whitish whisper the sound of a whip
Whiz to speed by fastly
Whallop a harder slap to the head
Wing the sound of a bullet grazing you
Wing Ning the sound of dirt bikes
Wretch the sound of vomit
Wooooo a sports freak in a bar
Whirl water or wind in a circular movement
Woo-woo Mr. Rogers imitating a train
Woop the alarm of a submarine before diving
Wink closing one eye quickly -or- the sound of a plastic chip flipped on a pile of other chips
Waffle flopping around on the floor
Wiffle swinging wildly with a plastic toy bat
Wrinkle the sound of wadding up clothes
Xing! the zip of a deer in a deer XING
Xxxxxt! the sound of a mad scientist electric antenna
Yack a pukey cat
Yawn the sound of boredom
Yodel to wangle ones tongue and throat in a country-swiss-miss kinda way
Yelp a dog tail in peril
Yeeyee trying to start a car with a dead battery
Zoom something moving faster than the eye
Zip what a zipper says
Zap what a lazer says
Zing what zip gives you
Zonk to be struck with a brilliant idea
Sounds upon themselves: Or indicative of what is going on, products
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang