Well, I joined facebook back in Summer of 2008. I thought- what a great way to irritate all my friends at once! I spent many long minutes thinking up ridiculous puns and goofy comments. Recently I had a few people ask me to compile a list of all the funny stuff. Here it is, read em and weep.
Kevlar underwear is just a fabrication.
Cows remember the beef recall.
Giving my Mom’s sister a hard time, now I have an aunty-bullying program!
I love when you are watching a movie in a theater- and it’s a quiet scene, the two are about to kiss, and you hear a loud BOOM from the theater next door. I always wish I was watching THAT movie.
Nowadays, the toads lick the hippies!
studying entomology and getting antsy
My new literacy-graffiti program is called “the writing on the wall!”
Should I justify myself, or align right?
I’m raising hand-fed sharks in my big aquarium! I ran out of food after the second feeding.
Taking some painting classes! But I can’t decide on Corel or Photoshop.
Oh, when it comes to an awesome toilet, I’m on it!
Lifting with your legs would be easier if you had a thumb instead of a big toe
Show definitions: “Microphobe” is someone afraid of a microphone.
Show definitions: “Clapter” when an audience is mildly amused and light applause ensues.
Would love to see a new Sesame Street character with irritable vowel syndrome
Trying to whiz in a busy public bathroom truly is peer pressure
I was hollering at a guy in the tanning salon, when I realized how pointless the argument was. I was just going off on a tangent. HA HA HA HA HA
It shouldn’t be called impeached, it should be called unpresidented.
Actually, the dinosaurs were wiped out by toilet paper.
The best color to be stranded with on a desert island? Maroon
The worst place to be during an earthquake? Lazer eye surgery
Starring in a musical western this week: Gunfight at the OK Chorale!
Had a drinking race with my dog but he lapped me.
I would like to let go of the government. I just wish I had some closure.
Always have to use the bathroom in the wee hours of the morning.
The cows are on grass and the stakes are high
people who love action words are verbihores
In the old days they were called “couch potatoes.” Now they are called”youtubers.”
Bumper sticker on Jesus’ donkey: “Savior Ass”
The Illuminati is behind the whole light bulb conspiracy
Saw a dog with a prosthetic limb and thought ‘Now that was a faux pas!’ Heeeyoooooo
The bible belt is on way too tight.
Hyper-Sensitive Comedian: “QUIT LAUGHING AT ME!!!”
I told the contractor to hurry up with our patio and then he decked me!
My chiropractor said my new spine is on back order
A dog skooching across the floor is really scraping bottom.
Only certain animals are koalafied to live in Australia
Saw a mythical creature at Taco Bell- the fabled Chalupacabra!
I went to get a snack in the kitchen and the place was desserted
Peanut butter cups sound like something elephants wear.
I never put all my eggs in one basket, unless it’s Easter.
Working on a movie script! I’m doing a muppet version of Silence of the Lambs. With Animal Lecter.
Just arrived in Malaysia and having a hard time getting oriented.
He has risen! Happy Yeaster!
Always remember, where there’s smoke- there’s hippies.
Always remember, where there’s a will, there’s relatives fighting.
The ipad doesn’t support flash but the trench-coat does
When I think about libraries I shush myself.
Got the saplings for my tree farm! Mostly dogwoods. I’m thinking of calling my new project “Bough Wow!”
Stormed out of my incompetent dentist’s office and yelled “you can’t handle the tooth!”
It’s getting cold in here, so put on some more clothes. I am getting so cold, I’m gonna put more clothes on!
Going to sharpen my pencil then I thought -what’s the point?
I am proof that people like me exist
These protesters are startin’ to occupy my nerves
My new baby story-time is called “Tales from the Cribbed”
I actually heard a newscaster refer to people living in their cars as “the mobile homeless”
Took my video camera to the shoe store and got some great footage
promotional game, fetch the schtick
Hey Forrest, it’s printed on the inside of the lid, man.
addendum to the old saying: “There’s light at the end of the tunnel.” It’s a train.
I can see clearly now my brain is gone
A shovel can give you hours of wholesome entertainment
TESTOSTERONE! It’s a bitch.
multi CULT uralism
The snuggle bear got his paw caught in a lint trap- had to chew it off!
I’m just not destined to be a fatalist
The cure for ADHD? Dodgeball.
Honk if you love Jesus, so he can jump out of the way.
Surfing competitions would be much more exciting if they added sharks.
These days it is a radical act NOT to have a tattoo
I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
Crop circles aren’t from UFOs, they are leftover marks from those hippie drum circles.
Dropped my waffle at the beach, and now I have a sandy Eggo! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
If you love somebody, set them free. If they don’t return, then hire Boba Fett
online banking sounds like web-based drift game.
Non Profit actually really means Big Friggin Profit.
I went from “what if!” to “what the if!”
Every cloud has a silver lining. Well, except that big mushroom shaped one.
I was healed when an evangelical hog laid hams on me
Come to think of it, I have never seen the honey nut cheerios bee and the nasonex bee in the same room.
Saw a show called “Puppets Gone Wild.” It was a bunch of puppets lifting up their shirts and showing their wrists.
The cure for anemia is listening to Iron Maiden
some days yer the bull, other days yer the china shop.
some days you are the bear, other days you are the woods!
Doing something nice for the environment just to make you feel better is called being ego friendly
I’m dying to start a natural cause
when the highway smells bad, you give it a pave mint.
Just soiled myself in the garden
Our basset hound is truly a carpet liquidator.
Sold enough snake oil to fill up three cups of tea!
Reading and loving it: How Stella got her Traveling Pants Back from the Sisterhood
Posting a resume on LinkedIn? Yeah, right. Nobody needs to see what I’ve done for money in the past.
Passed a real milestone and man did it hurt.
I considered prospecting for gold but it didn’t pan out.
I actually heard this line on Sid the Science Kid: “Hey, you all ready to start collecting data and cataloging it?! (other kids) Yaaaay!” I stared blankly at this horrible show for the entire 30 minutes. Then I was reminded of Revelation 8:1 When the Lamb broke the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour. My conclusion? Sid the Science kid= The apocalypse.
I went to a “family style” restaurant. The waiter started crying over an offhand comment I said, then ran into the bathroom and locked himself in there for hours.
The next person to give me their elevator speech is getting thrown down one.
I saw a naked wildebeest running around in the Gnude!!
Got punched in my interface.
If you are going to the self serve orthodontist, you need to really brace yourself
Wanted to go to a ranch where I could take time to reflect. So I went to the Ponderosa. HA HA HA HA
The chances of me losing weight are slim.
Always keep a pair of gloves handy.
People are put in 2 categories, does your heart or your brain rule you? I think actually your butt is behind everything!
Tattoo’s favorite part of the flight is when they deplane, deplane.
Our dog had a rough day
I put a nice plug in for water conservation!
I saw me a jumbuck smoking from a billabong!
“Upon thee will I strike down with vengeance great and anger furious, attempting to poison and destroy my brothers, those who would. My name is the Lord -you will know, when, upon thee, I will lay my vengeance.” Yoda as Jules.
Shake Weight? I do that every time I move.
I’m raising awareness by hiking up my pants!
This weekend! The Walk for the Cure of Blisters event!
The worst time for a zombie apocalypse would be Halloween
I did some battery acid and saw little energizer bunnies everywhere
The penis mightier than the sword? Actually, the space bar is mightier than the meaning.
Hey let someone else have a crack at that toilet!
Side effects may include bowel-loosening hiccups
Being a priest these days is touch and go
I noticed the nail salon does a lot of file sharing
Chain smoking is so bad, there’s a lot of carcinogens in that metal!
Yes, I just joined a cult. They wear blue shirts and worship little white boxes of pretentiousness. Their symbol is an apple with a bite out of it- something to do with Adam and Eve. I am now required to grow a goatee, wear sandals with jeans and drive an Outback. My friends, do you know Mac has a plan for you? You will be assimilated.
Getting back to my roots, with some dye
I can’t stand all this sitting around! HA HA HA HA
my butt is a rearing to go.
My dentist is actually a drill sergeant!
Home ownership is considered a gamble but the house always wins
At the embassy entrance there was a diplomat on the floor
I’d like to hold Sara Bareilles’ head under water.
Maybe Gary Coleman died from a stroke- a different stroke
The name “Sauron” has a nice ring to it
killing time in the cemetery
My mind is a teel strap
what exactly is the benefit of the doubt? A fundraiser for St Thomas?
When in Rome, you pay for roaming.
Hair remover should be called flee shampoo
corduroy pillows are making headlines!
Veggie Tales are too fruity for me.
Isn’t it weird how awards for kids are used to build self esteem and then awards for adults are used for one upping?
Having a staff meeting with Gandalf today.
Treebeard accidentally stepped on the lorax
Is it just me or does Adobe Reader ALWAYS need a freakin update?
Saw that little sign that says “baby on board”. Wouldn’t diapers work better?
Church robes are for cross dressers
Started carving a statue, but that turned out to be a bust
The future of Boeing is still up in the air
Pinocchio needed some help getting off the hook, so I pulled a few strings
“Chintz!” the sound of change going back in your pocket
“Barf!” is an onomatopoeia originating from the sound of a dog puking just as he goes to bark.
took some binoculars to Weight Watchers
a duty free shop is just a store without bathrooms
Everyone else has an iphone, but I decided to get an itouch myself!
Drums are the most symbolic instrument
I saw some hungry hungry hippos at a game crossing
A handyman lives on a fixed income
Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough to enage in religious sects
Ever see a rope tied around a tree, that grew into it over the years and now is part of the tree? Thats what my belt looks like these days.
Went to the M Night Shyamalan chiropractic clinic. Spine therapy with a surprise twist!
Deja Vu doesn’t work if you have a bad memory.
The Care Bears shoulda been called Pander Bears
Slowly unraveling the mystery of the missing blanket
I am quitting leftovers cold turkey
An eskimos toilet is an ig loo
Logging in some hours in the bathroom
Saw a giant poo and said ‘what a waste!’
I like making my own elevator music
Hawk harrf! Sorry about that! My cat hacked into my computer!
Why do you sink slowly in quicksand?
Side effects may include bowel-loosening hiccups
Performing my naptime show at the Siesta Fiesta
Doing school assemblies brick by brick!
fell asleep playing chess and got my game face on!
You touch that socket again and you are grounded!
The way Tarzan swings through the jungle is divine!
Just saw a Buns of Steel video -it had C3PO in it
Saw a sign that says “End road work.” I agree.
You cannot “own” a lentil, it is merely just a rental. So be sure to tell the waiter, you’ll pay for those lentils later!
Didja know graphite comes from Pennsylvania!
It’s weird, but McCain’s head is sorta shaped like Arizona
The squeaky wheel is the first to get greased
Roger that, Staples, this is Office Depot, do you copy? Over!
I got scammed again! Ordered a wireless extension cord and the box was empty.
Repaired a kilt with scotch tape
I’m learning to play the guitar and trying not to fret over it.
the only time you get a break from doing laundry is during lent.
I slapped a statue on the butt and thats when I knew I had hit rock bottom.
That song “Under the Sea” sure has a catchy hook.
got some cheeseburgers and margaritas at the jimmy buffet
I am training to be like Rocky! ….(Rocky Road)
For you digi-folk wanting a paperless world, two words. Toilet paper.
Underhanded people play softball
support a sense of humor…. buy a jokestrap.
Home is where the fart is.
“no hitch hiking” is a good rule of thumb
Grasshopper, if you can snatch the pebble from my hand, then that frees me up to slap you.
And I mean it from the heart of my bottom.
My dog attacked a group of street performers and went straight for the juggler
There’s something fishy about Christianity.
Anger, rage and bitterness are all crosswords
Computer mice are part of the “In” click.
The best flowers to use for an apology would be “oopsy daisies”
I’m writing a book about how to make money by selling a life philosophy. It’s called “The I Cha-Ching”
Most of the people from “It’s a Wonderful Life” are dead now.
Picked up some chess pieces at the pawn shop!
the antipasto touched the pasta and my plate exploded!
Someone who teaches you the proper way to fart would be your tutor. HAHAHAHAHAHA
Someone who lights their own farts would be an arse-sonist
If Winnie the Poo opened a bar, then Tigger could be the bouncer
I ate so much cookie dough I pooped a Keebler elf
I remember when we brought home our hound puppy in a bassinet!
This just in…”My bad” is no longer a cute punchline.
Mr Potatohead was showing me pictures of when he was a tottler
when babysitters collide that’s called a nanny nanny boo boo
Got an organic oil change today! Instead of 10w40, they used hemp oil! It runs a lot smoother, but when the light turns green, it hesitates. Oh and the headlights are now red.
I called my insurance company for a quote and they told me, “A penny saved is a penny earned”, then hung up.
I yelled “MURDERERS!” at some Christmas tree shoppers, then threw a bucket of syrup on them
It’s so creepy how eggs tweet when you boil them
Mens warehouse- lord of the pants!
“Go with the flow, mate” said the duck billed platitude
Red sky at night, sailors wear tights
Does elephant poo taste like peanut butter?
What exactly is “extreme caution”? Like being VERY careful? Is the very really necessary?
the thundercats are a bunch of pussies
having no memory makes nostalgia more interesting.
Intelligence is all in your mind.
I am being stalked in the corn maze
My friend wanted me to go to a Yoga class, but I thought it was too much of a stretch
REI stands for really expensive inventory
the social divisions money creates don’t make any sense!
i have a bone to pick with the coroner
i have an axe to grind with those lumberjacks
debating with an ass only leads to endless rebuttal
prostitution is whorrific!
if an earthquake hits while you are in a supermarket, head for the stationery aisle
The pedestrian does not have the right of way. Yield right of way to the thing that can kill you.
maybe the cure for ADHD is to not be so friggin boring.
it goes without saying, except right there.
Why is the guy holding the ‘men at work’ sign doing absolutely nothing?
There would be less boating accidents if people went thru the proper channels
One man’s poop is another man’s poopourri
I heard the garbagemen trash talking
A good name for a zombie band would be “The Deadbeats”.
A good name for the retirement home musicians would be “The Rocking Chairs.”
the SWAT team just needs some bug spray
When a surfer dies do they hold a wake?
Obi Wan Kenobi said: “Only a Sith deals in absolutes.” Absolutely!
“Assisted suicide” is an incorrect term
is watching a musical potty training video called “The Wetting Singer”
If you kick a guy in the groin, it might make him a little testy
Maybe the tree of knowledge had dutch elm disease
If hindsight is 20/20, then my ass needs glasses
was wondering how to stop thinking and finally came to a conclusion.
Seeing a car twice is called Deja Vroom!
Going to see Harry Potter and the Half Baked Plot
Before I see GI Joe, I’ll have to get tanked
“Finding Nemo” is when Pixar jumped the shark.
saw a pop-up ad for Levitra
The chickens are staging a coup!!!
My clothes came out of the washer dyed red. Maybe it was that darn communist agitator
I worship at Church’s Fried Chicken
I may be feeling old, but I can still raise a little cane.
I’m watering the lawn and puttin’ on the spritz
I’m shopping for a dog at the flea market
Why is Braille so confusing? I just can’t put my finger on it.
Something about my massage therapist rubs me the wrong way.
I am too tired to go biking
The top 10 rejected kids books! #10: “Mr. Conductor and the Lightning Storm!”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #9: “The Lion in the Witch’s Wardrobe.”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #8: “The Mouse and the Motorcycle Bar.”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #7: “The Little Engine that Couldn’t.”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #6: “Are you my Father?”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #5: “Snow White and the Seven Deadly Sins.
The top 10 rejected kids books! #4: “The Brownstain Bears.”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #3: “Bipolar Bear, Bipolar Bear, what is Today?”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #2: “Clifford the Big Red Dog Leaves a Big Yellow Spot in the Bears Big Blue House.”
AND the number one rejected kids book: “Captain Underpants on Skid Row!”
Henry VII should have eaten at Taco Bell. Then he woulda produced an heir!
I thought the sign said “Speeding’s Fine Doubled.”
I’m taking some time to reflect on the purpose of a mirror.
Don’t ask me about the secret location of the outhouse, I am not privy to that information.
I’m trying to remember if I’ve ever seen the Hunchback of Notre Dame, but the name Quasimodo doesn’t ring any bells.
That feeling you get that you’ve already visited the bathroom is called “deja poo”
What did Wendy do when she saw Captain Hook? She Peter Pants.
If Jodi Foster really wanted to see aliens she should have worn contact lenses.
If Princess Leia had turned evil, then she would have been Luke’s Sithster!
I picked up my car and it had a tutu on it. That’s the last time I use ballet parking. HA HA HA HA HA
photographers have a negative attitude.
chess players always go to pieces.
I saw a sign that said “Wet Floor”. So I did.
I saw a sign that said “Steel plates on roadway ahead”. So I did.
CNN, MSNBC and FOX News should combine networks and call themsleves WTFN.
I gotta do more cross-training if I’m going to be a Christian.
There’s a new weight loss patch. It covers your mouth!
I’ve always looked up to tall people
aaaaaaaaaah, a lemon… is there anything more sublime?
I have too many fires in the iron
I don’t take botox at face value
Great kids movie: Timmy the Tooth get a cavity search.
My cranium should quit while it’s ahead
I’m sick of all these TLAs.
My inner child needs a spanking
My history is beautiful, I have a photogenic memory
a bathroom with no toilet is uncanny
picking the right toilet is a process of elimination
I asked a mixologist for clarification
I’m jogging with a sock in my mouth, it’s my favorite running gag!
I want a tattoo of one of those 3-D pictures you stare at for a few minutes and then the image appears.
I need some advice for performing my old west show so I hired a stage coach.
the evil test-tube baby grew up to be a vial villain.
working on my new e-board book “Baby’s First Bluetooth”
I display no prescient powers, so I am filing as a non-prophet
I’ll have to be weaned off hot dogs
This new bathrobe ties my whole outfit together!
I learned to make sure a seashell is vacant before listening to hear the ocean.
I learned that tequila and yoga don’t mix.
Baby bunting is trying to advance a runner.
going off the deep end means more room to swim!
they even charge a toll for the sound of a bell.
Do not go walkabout in a roundabout.
Sometimes a sun tan is very appealing
There is some bad blood between me and the malaria mosquitoes
My New Year resolution is in 300 dpi
I’m doing Tai Chi with Chai Tea
My preacher has an altar ego.
I’m playing “catch the sofa” with my chaise lounge
I saw a guy playing piano and now have pianist envy.
I heard Pavlov’s bell and know the hour of salvitation is at hand.
I’m feeling very blessed after my last sneeze.
I’m getting in sync but thinking the tub may be better.
lousy punctuation is getting some bad comma,
Unwrapped a gift clock. There’s no time like the present.
I started an abnormally slow burning fire with flame retardant.
A wrinkly shirt is ironic.
I’m eating chili and waiting for my second wind.
camping is intense.
I’m getting nostalgic about the future.
I spilled white-out on my pants and now I stand corrected.
I’m looking into contact lenses
I have become comfortably dumb
I’m caring less and less about more and more.
trying to think of another word for thesaurus
Somebody should take a whiz on the burning man.
There’s a liquidation sale at the waterbed store.
Undertakers run their business into the ground
I’m practicing playing guitar while standing with one leg bent back. I want to learn Flamingo. HA HA HA HA HA