Hurry Cane stories

No, not the sensational, yellow-journalism of “Storm Stories,” Geez. remember when the WC used to report just the weather? Kinda like how MTV used to run music videos? Well I guess reality-type, over-exaggerated, TV dramas sell. Gotta feed the need. OMG.
Oh and I bet many small towns in America think Jim Cantore is the angel of death.

angel of death

When I was a kid, Publix printed up hurricane tracker charts on the paper bags. (ya’ll in the North, it’s pronounced “Pub Licks.”) We used them to track hurricanes in Cub Scouts, back when the National Hurricane Center used to report air pressure systems and fronts. INFORMATION. Before news went all kattywompus. Tears are used as a hook and I heard from the mouth of a TV reporter at KING 5 “If we don’t come back with video of someone crying, the segment producer gets snippy.”

publix

We had radio broadcasts and updates in fact form only. Not all the speculation and projected bla-bla-bla that sound bytes have morphed into.

The 1967 season was the only year during the period in which a storm did not affect the state. That was the year Charlie was born. (Hurricane Charley was later)

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In the period between 1975 and 1999, Hurricanes Eloise, David, and Opal hit Florida and the gulf coast region as major hurricanes.

Andrew was in 1992. Homestead took it the hardest! Also there was the Storm of the century in 1992, an unpredictable storm that caught everyone off guard and created night flooding in New Port Richey. (where we lived!) Opal struck Bama 1995. Took down trees in Brewton, where we were living at the time.

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hurry cane sugar.jpg

The strongest hurricane to hit Florida during the aughts was Hurricane Charley, which was the strongest hurricane to strike the United States since Hurricane Andrew. Additionally, hurricanes Ivan, Jeanne, Dennis, Wilma, and Irma made landfall on the state as major hurricanes.

Charley hit FLA twice. 2004. I did the same thing. Moved away to St Louis, then came back to do more damage. Hey be careful what you name storms. (like yer pets! Don’t name a pet cat “scratchy”)

Hurricane Elena, in August of 1985 moved into the gulf and then… just sat there and kept us all high alert.
I was supposed to start my senior year at Prin in St Louis, but the entire gulf coast was on alert and flights were cancelled. We all waited for days as it sat churning, then moved one way, then doubling back. Some arm bands buffeted our house and I climbed a tree to feel the winds.
I also got to evacuate the house when they thought it was turning toward Florida and I had 10 cats in the car. Cats hate riding in a car -and hate water. They got plenty of both and I got scratches all over me. (Scratchy!) Picture a cat in the car while going thru a car wash! Well the storm didn’t hit us head one, it turned off and we got to go back home and I started school, late.

elena

Hurricane Arlene was a popular hurricane name. Like Brittany for babies in the 90’s.

I was in bama for shows in 2005. That’s when the phantom storm brushed us. Shows went on, since nothing was really happening, all eyes were upward as clouds rushed by, I wanted to see the effects or the storm surge which were large waves that splashed over the connector bridge. (on that road from Pensacola) I think I caught two waterspouts as well. I about drove off the road!

hurrinado

arlene

Most hurricanes start as a tropical wave. ~An angry zephyr. N-S direction is like a tropical trough, and hurricanes gravitate towards a low air pressure cycle.
The butterfly in Africa flapping it’s wings etc etc. bla bla bla. High pressure is like a mountain, low pressure is like a skateboard park for clouds. Fronts act as walls and can make a hurricane reverse or turn quickly. I learned that as a kid, not from a hyper weatherman groping for ratings.
Contrary to what the forecast models tell you, they still display unpredictability. Even Farmer’s Almanac is wrong sometimes. Havent’ we figured that out yet? No need proof? Look around, you’ll see that chaos theory everywhere. Jeff Goldblum imitation here.

Coming soon: How to build own barometer, with a jar a balloon, a straw and a rubber band. I learned that in scouts. More soon!

thunderhead

old house

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bunny Hunt

The first time I noticed I had a dad with an otherworldly sense of humor is when i went with him on a bunny hunt. It was 1976.

I was in cub scouts and he had built a huge antenna in the backyard to transmit and tune in frequencies. He was a hammy ham operator! I built a tree-house up in it, like a deranged squirrel.
A bunny hunt is a game ham radio operators play, and the whole county is their game board. One person hides in their stationary vehicle anywhere in the city and broadcasts for 1 minute every 5 minutes, and everyone else must find them. They triangulate the position of the bunny, using giant antennas strapped to their cars. I think it was some kind of emergency preparedness practice, before the days of Geo-caching. (Ham operators also call it a fox hunt) Goal!: Triangulate the transmitter trials!
Here is the tower of babbling.
tower of babble

Dad was quiet most of the time, so it was funny watching him build huge illegal contraptions on the roof of his car. he usually found the bunny first and got to be the bunny the next week. He was never content to broadcast in a parking lot or alley.

His best stunt was dressing up as a elderly black man in a wheelchair, and secretly broadcasting under the blanket. all the hunters were unsure of how to approach him. I remember watching from the car, thinking how elaborate of a prank this was.

They said he was cheating being out of his car, but Dad pointed out a motorized wheelchair is a vehicle. When they would stare blankly at him, he would cackle with delight.

fox hunt 2 pixelated2
He thought it was hilarious.

He was Hilarious, Larry for short.

When i got older and learned that this kind of behavior was considered erratic, i was very happy. I never wanted to be a normal person and it pleased me both ends to realize I had a nut in my family tree.

He liked to tinker, to find alternate bizarre ways of analyzing a situation. A different POV! And he liked to taking people along for the ride. It was a fun ride, and I am happy and proud to carry on the weird gene!

Don’t get me started on the nutty driving he would do for us scours in his old Ford Bronco.

ford bronco

Free Stuff

Enjoy these downloadable free MP3’s of live recordings during school assembly comedy.
Or studio stories and songs. (from CD and radio vignettes)

Follow the links below, listen or download! It takes you to Mediafire. Click the “listen” button to open a player in your browser. Click the “download” button to save to your computer. Holler if you have problems, I am testing out their service!

The Hog Wild Comedy Hour!

These are recordings from a live show at Medina Elementary school. 4rth Grade students enjoy the rowdy kid comedy!

Sneeze Whiz Intro

Siesta Fiesta Commercial

Medieval Playgrounds

The Legend of the Mothman! (or how Dad’s scare their kids!)

Noisy Tales!

A few free MP3s from my album lineup. Listen or download!

Rumplestiltskin

The Brementown Musicians

Jack and the Beanstalk

Billy Bobs Truck Drivin’ College commercial

Flush! An Ode to Toilets

Goldilox 2000

Sir George and the Dragon

The Cookie-Lau Song

The Legend of the Scairdy-Cat Sheriff

Sound Safari Theater

These studio sessions were used for the library’s dial in story line via Touch Tone Tales! They are short vignettes -for a quick and easy listen.

The Three Billy Goats Gruff

The Secret Life of Walter’s Kitty

We’re Going on a Bear Hunt

Old MacDonalds Farm

How to Clean your Room

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

Are the links working? If not holler and email me at noiseguycw@gmail.com

Would you rather watch me doing funny stuff in videos? Click here!

a punny history of my stoopid facebook statuses’s.

Well, I joined facebook back in Summer of 2008. I thought- what a great way to irritate all my friends at once! I spent many long minutes thinking up ridiculous puns and goofy comments. Recently I had a few people ask me to compile a list of all the funny stuff. Here it is, read em and weep.

Kevlar underwear is just a fabrication.

Cows remember the beef recall.

Giving my Mom’s sister a hard time, now I have an aunty-bullying program!

I love when you are watching a movie in a theater- and it’s a quiet scene, the two are about to kiss, and you hear a loud BOOM from the theater next door. I always wish I was watching THAT movie.

Nowadays, the toads lick the hippies!

studying entomology and getting antsy

My new literacy-graffiti program is called “the writing on the wall!”

Should I justify myself, or align right?

I’m raising hand-fed sharks in my big aquarium! I ran out of food after the second feeding.

Taking some painting classes! But I can’t decide on Corel or Photoshop.

Oh, when it comes to an awesome toilet, I’m on it!

Lifting with your legs would be easier if you had a thumb instead of a big toe

Show definitions: “Microphobe” is someone afraid of a microphone.
Show definitions: “Clapter” when an audience is mildly amused and light applause ensues.

Would love to see a new Sesame Street character with irritable vowel syndrome

Trying to whiz in a busy public bathroom truly is peer pressure

I was hollering at a guy in the tanning salon, when I realized how pointless the argument was. I was just going off on a tangent. HA HA HA HA HA

It shouldn’t be called impeached, it should be called unpresidented.

Actually, the dinosaurs were wiped out by toilet paper.

The best color to be stranded with on a desert island? Maroon

The worst place to be during an earthquake? Lazer eye surgery

Starring in a musical western this week: Gunfight at the OK Chorale!

Had a drinking race with my dog but he lapped me.

I would like to let go of the government. I just wish I had some closure.

Always have to use the bathroom in the wee hours of the morning.

The cows are on grass and the stakes are high

people who love action words are verbihores

In the old days they were called “couch potatoes.” Now they are called”youtubers.”

Bumper sticker on Jesus’ donkey: “Savior Ass”

The Illuminati is behind the whole light bulb conspiracy

Saw a dog with a prosthetic limb and thought ‘Now that was a faux pas!’ Heeeyoooooo

The bible belt is on way too tight.

Hyper-Sensitive Comedian: “QUIT LAUGHING AT ME!!!”

I told the contractor to hurry up with our patio and then he decked me!

My chiropractor said my new spine is on back order

A dog skooching across the floor is really scraping bottom.

Only certain animals are koalafied to live in Australia

Saw a mythical creature at Taco Bell- the fabled Chalupacabra!

I went to get a snack in the kitchen and the place was desserted

Peanut butter cups sound like something elephants wear.

I never put all my eggs in one basket, unless it’s Easter.

Working on a movie script! I’m doing a muppet version of Silence of the Lambs. With Animal Lecter.

Just arrived in Malaysia and having a hard time getting oriented.

He has risen! Happy Yeaster!

Always remember, where there’s smoke- there’s hippies.

Always remember, where there’s a will, there’s relatives fighting.

The ipad doesn’t support flash but the trench-coat does

When I think about libraries I shush myself.

Got the saplings for my tree farm! Mostly dogwoods. I’m thinking of calling my new project “Bough Wow!”

Stormed out of my incompetent dentist’s office and yelled “you can’t handle the tooth!”

It’s getting cold in here, so put on some more clothes. I am getting so cold, I’m gonna put more clothes on!

Going to sharpen my pencil then I thought -what’s the point?

I am proof that people like me exist

These protesters are startin’ to occupy my nerves

My new baby story-time is called “Tales from the Cribbed”

I actually heard a newscaster refer to people living in their cars as “the mobile homeless”

Took my video camera to the shoe store and got some great footage

promotional game, fetch the schtick

Hey Forrest, it’s printed on the inside of the lid, man.

addendum to the old saying: “There’s light at the end of the tunnel.” It’s a train.

I can see clearly now my brain is gone

A shovel can give you hours of wholesome entertainment

TESTOSTERONE! It’s a bitch.

multi CULT uralism

The snuggle bear got his paw caught in a lint trap- had to chew it off!

I’m just not destined to be a fatalist

The cure for ADHD? Dodgeball.

Honk if you love Jesus, so he can jump out of the way.

Surfing competitions would be much more exciting if they added sharks.

These days it is a radical act NOT to have a tattoo

I kissed a squirrel and I liked it

Crop circles aren’t from UFOs, they are leftover marks from those hippie drum circles.

Dropped my waffle at the beach, and now I have a sandy Eggo! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

If you love somebody, set them free. If they don’t return, then hire Boba Fett

online banking sounds like web-based drift game.

Non Profit actually really means Big Friggin Profit.

I went from “what if!” to “what the if!”

Every cloud has a silver lining. Well, except that big mushroom shaped one.

I was healed when an evangelical hog laid hams on me

Come to think of it, I have never seen the honey nut cheerios bee and the nasonex bee in the same room.

Saw a show called “Puppets Gone Wild.” It was a bunch of puppets lifting up their shirts and showing their wrists.

The cure for anemia is listening to Iron Maiden

some days yer the bull, other days yer the china shop.

some days you are the bear, other days you are the woods!

Doing something nice for the environment just to make you feel better is called being ego friendly

I’m dying to start a natural cause

when the highway smells bad, you give it a pave mint.

Just soiled myself in the garden

Our basset hound is truly a carpet liquidator.

Sold enough snake oil to fill up three cups of tea!

Reading and loving it: How Stella got her Traveling Pants Back from the Sisterhood

Posting a resume on LinkedIn? Yeah, right. Nobody needs to see what I’ve done for money in the past.

Passed a real milestone and man did it hurt.

I considered prospecting for gold but it didn’t pan out.

I actually heard this line on Sid the Science Kid: “Hey, you all ready to start collecting data and cataloging it?! (other kids) Yaaaay!” I stared blankly at this horrible show for the entire 30 minutes. Then I was reminded of Revelation 8:1 When the Lamb broke the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour. My conclusion? Sid the Science kid= The apocalypse.

I went to a “family style” restaurant. The waiter started crying over an offhand comment I said, then ran into the bathroom and locked himself in there for hours.

The next person to give me their elevator speech is getting thrown down one.

I saw a naked wildebeest running around in the Gnude!!

Got punched in my interface.

If you are going to the self serve orthodontist, you need to really brace yourself

Wanted to go to a ranch where I could take time to reflect. So I went to the Ponderosa. HA HA HA HA

The chances of me losing weight are slim.

Always keep a pair of gloves handy.

People are put in 2 categories, does your heart or your brain rule you? I think actually your butt is behind everything!

Tattoo’s favorite part of the flight is when they deplane, deplane.

Our dog had a rough day

I put a nice plug in for water conservation!

I saw me a jumbuck smoking from a billabong!

“Upon thee will I strike down with vengeance great and anger furious, attempting to poison and destroy my brothers, those who would. My name is the Lord -you will know, when, upon thee, I will lay my vengeance.” Yoda as Jules.

Shake Weight? I do that every time I move.

I’m raising awareness by hiking up my pants!

This weekend! The Walk for the Cure of Blisters event!

The worst time for a zombie apocalypse would be Halloween

I did some battery acid and saw little energizer bunnies everywhere

The penis mightier than the sword? Actually, the space bar is mightier than the meaning.

Hey let someone else have a crack at that toilet!

Side effects may include bowel-loosening hiccups

Being a priest these days is touch and go

http://www.suicidehotline.com/mywrists

I noticed the nail salon does a lot of file sharing

Chain smoking is so bad, there’s a lot of carcinogens in that metal!

Yes, I just joined a cult. They wear blue shirts and worship little white boxes of pretentiousness. Their symbol is an apple with a bite out of it- something to do with Adam and Eve. I am now required to grow a goatee, wear sandals with jeans and drive an Outback. My friends, do you know Mac has a plan for you? You will be assimilated.

Getting back to my roots, with some dye

I can’t stand all this sitting around! HA HA HA HA

my butt is a rearing to go.

My dentist is actually a drill sergeant!

Home ownership is considered a gamble but the house always wins

At the embassy entrance there was a diplomat on the floor

I’d like to hold Sara Bareilles’ head under water.

Maybe Gary Coleman died from a stroke- a different stroke

The name “Sauron” has a nice ring to it

killing time in the cemetery

My mind is a teel strap

what exactly is the benefit of the doubt? A fundraiser for St Thomas?

When in Rome, you pay for roaming.

Hair remover should be called flee shampoo

corduroy pillows are making headlines!

Veggie Tales are too fruity for me.

Isn’t it weird how awards for kids are used to build self esteem and then awards for adults are used for one upping?

Having a staff meeting with Gandalf today.

Treebeard accidentally stepped on the lorax

Is it just me or does Adobe Reader ALWAYS need a freakin update?

Saw that little sign that says “baby on board”. Wouldn’t diapers work better?

Church robes are for cross dressers

Started carving a statue, but that turned out to be a bust

The future of Boeing is still up in the air

Pinocchio needed some help getting off the hook, so I pulled a few strings

“Chintz!” the sound of change going back in your pocket

“Barf!” is an onomatopoeia originating from the sound of a dog puking just as he goes to bark.

took some binoculars to Weight Watchers

a duty free shop is just a store without bathrooms

Everyone else has an iphone, but I decided to get an itouch myself!

Drums are the most symbolic instrument

I saw some hungry hungry hippos at a game crossing

A handyman lives on a fixed income

Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough to enage in religious sects

Ever see a rope tied around a tree, that grew into it over the years and now is part of the tree? Thats what my belt looks like these days.

Went to the M Night Shyamalan chiropractic clinic. Spine therapy with a surprise twist!

Deja Vu doesn’t work if you have a bad memory.

The Care Bears shoulda been called Pander Bears

Slowly unraveling the mystery of the missing blanket

I am quitting leftovers cold turkey

An eskimos toilet is an ig loo

Logging in some hours in the bathroom

Saw a giant poo and said ‘what a waste!’

I like making my own elevator music

Hawk harrf! Sorry about that! My cat hacked into my computer!

Why do you sink slowly in quicksand?

Side effects may include bowel-loosening hiccups

Performing my naptime show at the Siesta Fiesta

Doing school assemblies brick by brick!

fell asleep playing chess and got my game face on!

You touch that socket again and you are grounded!

The way Tarzan swings through the jungle is divine!

Just saw a Buns of Steel video -it had C3PO in it

Saw a sign that says “End road work.” I agree.

You cannot “own” a lentil, it is merely just a rental. So be sure to tell the waiter, you’ll pay for those lentils later!

Didja know graphite comes from Pennsylvania!

It’s weird, but McCain’s head is sorta shaped like Arizona

The squeaky wheel is the first to get greased

Roger that, Staples, this is Office Depot, do you copy? Over!

I got scammed again! Ordered a wireless extension cord and the box was empty.

Repaired a kilt with scotch tape

I’m learning to play the guitar and trying not to fret over it.

the only time you get a break from doing laundry is during lent.

I slapped a statue on the butt and thats when I knew I had hit rock bottom.

That song “Under the Sea” sure has a catchy hook.

got some cheeseburgers and margaritas at the jimmy buffet

I am training to be like Rocky! ….(Rocky Road)

For you digi-folk wanting a paperless world, two words. Toilet paper.

Underhanded people play softball

support a sense of humor…. buy a jokestrap.

Home is where the fart is.

“no hitch hiking” is a good rule of thumb

Grasshopper, if you can snatch the pebble from my hand, then that frees me up to slap you.

And I mean it from the heart of my bottom.

My dog attacked a group of street performers and went straight for the juggler

There’s something fishy about Christianity.

Anger, rage and bitterness are all crosswords

Computer mice are part of the “In” click.

The best flowers to use for an apology would be “oopsy daisies”

I’m writing a book about how to make money by selling a life philosophy. It’s called “The I Cha-Ching”

Most of the people from “It’s a Wonderful Life” are dead now.

Picked up some chess pieces at the pawn shop!

the antipasto touched the pasta and my plate exploded!

Someone who teaches you the proper way to fart would be your tutor. HAHAHAHAHAHA

Someone who lights their own farts would be an arse-sonist

If Winnie the Poo opened a bar, then Tigger could be the bouncer

I ate so much cookie dough I pooped a Keebler elf

I remember when we brought home our hound puppy in a bassinet!

This just in…”My bad” is no longer a cute punchline.

Mr Potatohead was showing me pictures of when he was a tottler

when babysitters collide that’s called a nanny nanny boo boo

Got an organic oil change today! Instead of 10w40, they used hemp oil! It runs a lot smoother, but when the light turns green, it hesitates. Oh and the headlights are now red.

I called my insurance company for a quote and they told me, “A penny saved is a penny earned”, then hung up.

I yelled “MURDERERS!” at some Christmas tree shoppers, then threw a bucket of syrup on them

It’s so creepy how eggs tweet when you boil them

Mens warehouse- lord of the pants!

“Go with the flow, mate” said the duck billed platitude

Red sky at night, sailors wear tights

Does elephant poo taste like peanut butter?

What exactly is “extreme caution”? Like being VERY careful? Is the very really necessary?

the thundercats are a bunch of pussies

having no memory makes nostalgia more interesting.

Intelligence is all in your mind.

I am being stalked in the corn maze

My friend wanted me to go to a Yoga class, but I thought it was too much of a stretch

REI stands for really expensive inventory

the social divisions money creates don’t make any sense!

i have a bone to pick with the coroner

i have an axe to grind with those lumberjacks

debating with an ass only leads to endless rebuttal

prostitution is whorrific!

if an earthquake hits while you are in a supermarket, head for the stationery aisle

The pedestrian does not have the right of way. Yield right of way to the thing that can kill you.

maybe the cure for ADHD is to not be so friggin boring.

it goes without saying, except right there.

Why is the guy holding the ‘men at work’ sign doing absolutely nothing?

There would be less boating accidents if people went thru the proper channels

One man’s poop is another man’s poopourri

I heard the garbagemen trash talking

A good name for a zombie band would be “The Deadbeats”.
A good name for the retirement home musicians would be “The Rocking Chairs.”

the SWAT team just needs some bug spray

When a surfer dies do they hold a wake?

Obi Wan Kenobi said: “Only a Sith deals in absolutes.” Absolutely!

“Assisted suicide” is an incorrect term

is watching a musical potty training video called “The Wetting Singer”

If you kick a guy in the groin, it might make him a little testy

Maybe the tree of knowledge had dutch elm disease

If hindsight is 20/20, then my ass needs glasses

was wondering how to stop thinking and finally came to a conclusion.

Seeing a car twice is called Deja Vroom!

Going to see Harry Potter and the Half Baked Plot

Before I see GI Joe, I’ll have to get tanked

“Finding Nemo” is when Pixar jumped the shark.

saw a pop-up ad for Levitra

The chickens are staging a coup!!!

My clothes came out of the washer dyed red. Maybe it was that darn communist agitator

I worship at Church’s Fried Chicken

I may be feeling old, but I can still raise a little cane.

I’m watering the lawn and puttin’ on the spritz

I’m shopping for a dog at the flea market

Why is Braille so confusing? I just can’t put my finger on it.

Something about my massage therapist rubs me the wrong way.

I am too tired to go biking

The top 10 rejected kids books! #10: “Mr. Conductor and the Lightning Storm!”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #9: “The Lion in the Witch’s Wardrobe.”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #8: “The Mouse and the Motorcycle Bar.”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #7: “The Little Engine that Couldn’t.”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #6: “Are you my Father?”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #5: “Snow White and the Seven Deadly Sins.
The top 10 rejected kids books! #4: “The Brownstain Bears.”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #3: “Bipolar Bear, Bipolar Bear, what is Today?”
The top 10 rejected kids books! #2: “Clifford the Big Red Dog Leaves a Big Yellow Spot in the Bears Big Blue House.”
AND the number one rejected kids book: “Captain Underpants on Skid Row!”

Henry VII should have eaten at Taco Bell. Then he woulda produced an heir!

I thought the sign said “Speeding’s Fine Doubled.”

I’m taking some time to reflect on the purpose of a mirror.

Don’t ask me about the secret location of the outhouse, I am not privy to that information.

I’m trying to remember if I’ve ever seen the Hunchback of Notre Dame, but the name Quasimodo doesn’t ring any bells.

That feeling you get that you’ve already visited the bathroom is called “deja poo”

What did Wendy do when she saw Captain Hook? She Peter Pants.

If Jodi Foster really wanted to see aliens she should have worn contact lenses.

If Princess Leia had turned evil, then she would have been Luke’s Sithster!

I picked up my car and it had a tutu on it. That’s the last time I use ballet parking. HA HA HA HA HA

photographers have a negative attitude.
chess players always go to pieces.

I saw a sign that said “Wet Floor”. So I did.
I saw a sign that said “Steel plates on roadway ahead”. So I did.

CNN, MSNBC and FOX News should combine networks and call themsleves WTFN.

I gotta do more cross-training if I’m going to be a Christian.

There’s a new weight loss patch. It covers your mouth!

I’ve always looked up to tall people

aaaaaaaaaah, a lemon… is there anything more sublime?

I have too many fires in the iron

I don’t take botox at face value

Great kids movie: Timmy the Tooth get a cavity search.

My cranium should quit while it’s ahead

I’m sick of all these TLAs.

My inner child needs a spanking

My history is beautiful, I have a photogenic memory

a bathroom with no toilet is uncanny

picking the right toilet is a process of elimination

I asked a mixologist for clarification

I’m jogging with a sock in my mouth, it’s my favorite running gag!

I want a tattoo of one of those 3-D pictures you stare at for a few minutes and then the image appears.

I need some advice for performing my old west show so I hired a stage coach.

the evil test-tube baby grew up to be a vial villain.

working on my new e-board book “Baby’s First Bluetooth”

I display no prescient powers, so I am filing as a non-prophet

I’ll have to be weaned off hot dogs

This new bathrobe ties my whole outfit together!

I learned to make sure a seashell is vacant before listening to hear the ocean.

I learned that tequila and yoga don’t mix.

Baby bunting is trying to advance a runner.

going off the deep end means more room to swim!

they even charge a toll for the sound of a bell.

Do not go walkabout in a roundabout.

Sometimes a sun tan is very appealing

There is some bad blood between me and the malaria mosquitoes

My New Year resolution is in 300 dpi

I’m doing Tai Chi with Chai Tea

My preacher has an altar ego.

I’m playing “catch the sofa” with my chaise lounge

I saw a guy playing piano and now have pianist envy.

I heard Pavlov’s bell and know the hour of salvitation is at hand.

I’m feeling very blessed after my last sneeze.

I’m getting in sync but thinking the tub may be better.

lousy punctuation is getting some bad comma,

Unwrapped a gift clock. There’s no time like the present.

I started an abnormally slow burning fire with flame retardant.

A wrinkly shirt is ironic.

I’m eating chili and waiting for my second wind.

camping is intense.

I’m getting nostalgic about the future.

I spilled white-out on my pants and now I stand corrected.

I’m looking into contact lenses

I have become comfortably dumb

I’m caring less and less about more and more.

trying to think of another word for thesaurus

Somebody should take a whiz on the burning man.

There’s a liquidation sale at the waterbed store.

Undertakers run their business into the ground

I’m practicing playing guitar while standing with one leg bent back. I want to learn Flamingo. HA HA HA HA HA

Charlie’s Story

chazintazCharles Preston Williams has been making noise in schools and libraries since he was a kid. He’s worked as a DJ, MC, Cartoonist, Kids Comedian, Children’s Librarian and Dancing Air Balloon Sky-Guy in front of a car dealership.

He published his first book “Flush, An Ode to Toilets” in 2006. He is now the vocal foley effect artist for Sound Safari Theater, an audio company that produces children’s albums and educational programs about Onomatopoeia.

In other words, he writes, illustrates and performs funny kids stories.

flyIt all started when Charlie was kicked out of a low-flying alien spacecraft. Here he is falling safely into the arms of the Williams household.

The year: 1967. The Summer of Love.

He was raised in St. Petersburg and became the poster boy for the Florida Edyookayshunal Sistumm.

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Then in 1978, he was officially banned from the library due to his noisy nature. He was just reading outloud.

young charlie

The courts ruled in favor of the first amendment (freedom of speech) -even though he was “speaking” like a chainsaw.

Here he is during a parent teacher conference.

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1988 saw Charlie performing his imitations at the Funnybone Comedy Club in St. Louis.com

Here he is imitating a human being.

His therapist insisted that applause only encouraged his misguided behavior.

THEN…
in 1995 in a bizarre, Karmic, twist of fate, he began working in a Wyoming library that has asked to remain anonymous.

Here he is with the staff, performing the controversial “Wattle Warbles.”

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SINCE THEN…

…much to the irritation of boring authors and pompous storytellers everywhere, he has written and performed noisy tales around the world.

dadatshow

He has recorded 8 albums of stories and published 4 books.

Albums:

“Noisy Tales” 2001

“Seasoned Greetings” 2002

“The Decline of Westurn Sivalizashun”*

“Crogs and Frickets”*

Immanuel Kant but Charlie Can!”*

“Nibbles!”*

“Tao Te Boing”*

“Sugar Frosted Noisy Tales” 2008

* Touch Tone Tales Package 2005

Books:

“No Services, Next Exit 140 Miles” 1997

“Don’t Feed the Vultures” 1998

“Flush! An Ode to Toilets” 2006

“Goodnight Baboon” 2010

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Here is a real life deficeincy report from the 9th grade. Click to enlarge.

Then go “ooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!” Like the kids do in a lunchroom when someone drops their tray.

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Hey, everybody get’s in trouble now and then. Nobody’s perfect!

Ask your parents what kind of trouble they got into and watch em squirm!

 

How to make a paper popper!

How to make your very own loud and annoying paper popper!

Disclaimer: We have had a few problems, so we had to create some rules. Thank you for observing them.

Not following them, just observing them. Thank you.

DO NOT use the paper popper in classes, libraries, church services or while your parents are sleeping.

Please use paper to make a popper. BACON WILL NOT WORK, ERIC!

Do not use the popper behind a skittish herd of buffalo.

Do not use the popper behind a skittish herd of baby boomers.

As with all other enjoyable activities in these overly-safety-conscious times, use protective eyewear and a helmet.

IMPORTANT: Choice of paper results in different sounding pops.

Construction paper makes the loudest pop, toilet paper makes the softest.

Please remember to recycle. Trees are very sensitive and when they see you wasting paper, it makes them

rustle their leaves in anger.

Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery while playing with a popper. It’s probably safe to say- don’t play with heavy machinery -period. The construction workers freak out the next day.

Okay, let’s get started! First off, grab an 8.5 X 11 sheet of regular, garden-variety, notebook paper.

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Step 1. Lay it on the table, landscape. (longways)

Step 2. Fold up from the bottom, about 2 inches.

Step 3. Fold up again, another 2 inches. You following this, Eric?

Step 4. Fold it in half. Keep your previous folds on the outside.

Step 5. Pick it up and hold the tip of the fold in the middle, like so.

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Now here’s the hard part, so pay attention!

Step 6. Fold the inner fold down, creating two “air pockets,” see?

Step 7. It should look like this. Now hold the bottom right corners…

Step 8.

Make sure the inner fold is loose and can slide easily.

Step 9. This may take a few tries, but it’s all in the wrist.

Swing the popper down so the air pockets catch the wind! Your wrist is making the motion of throwing a dart. The sound of the paper unfolding make the pop.

The faster you swing your popper, the louder the pop. Practice a few times and you’ll get the hang of it. With a regular sheet of paper and a

flip of your arm -like throwing a frisbee -you can make an incredibly loud CRACK! Sometimes the paper rips from the sheer force! That means you are DOIN’ IT RIGHT!

Have fun and try not to get into too much trouble, you little scamps!

Watch the video on how to make a paper popper!

Onomatopoeia descriptions

Onomatopoetic Words

First off: “Ompa” is the sound of a car going over a speedbump.

Onomatopoeia is derived from Greek words meaning “name making.”

Onomatopoeia means the “name” given to a sound. It’s a word imitation of noise. But it is hard to spell onomatopoeia and even harder to describe what it is, much less pronounce it. You always have to stop and explain it.

So to make things easier, I shortened it to OMPA. Which is what onomatopoeia is anyway- a conversational speedbump.

Here is a list of Onomatopoeia and their definitions, written by elementary school kids.

A

Arp a seal bark

Arf a dog bark

Ack a choking sound

Aggitta a shaking your head in confusion

Argh a frustrated exclamation

Arrroooo a wolf howl

Arrr a pirate’s growl

Ahem clearing your throat expectantly

B

Bark what a dog says

Barf what a dog says when it vomits

Bang a gunshot

Boom an explosion

Bash a crushing sound

Bing a soft belltone

Badoom a percussive explosion

Boing a spring or a bounce

Bap a fish hitting the side of your head

Baliggle water in motion

Buzz the hum of a bee

Belch a violent burp

Burp a mild belch

Bong a bell sound

Bbbbbbb an engine hum (rolling)

Bump a collision

Blorp a large bubble eruption

Blibble what a jacuzzi says

Blurp a watery burp

Baaa what a sheep says

Bok Bagok what a chicken says

Bling shiney jewelry

Bop Foofoo hitting a field mouse’s head

Bam another percussive sound

Beep a car horn

Bubble air released from water

Blubble excited air released from water

Babble incoherent vocals

Beebop a style of music

Bounce the sound of little jumps

Biff to knock on Marty McFly’s head

Brush combing hair

Bonk two skulls hitting

Boosh a toddler imitating a collision

Bray what a donkey says

Bow the sound of being stretched

Bungee the sound of a rubber band going taught and bouncing back suddenly

C

Clip Clop horses hooves

Clonk another concussion sound

Clang a big bell dropped on a floor

Crash a collision

Crinkle crumpling up paper

Clink a colonel dropping his monacle

Clap singular applause

Creak something under pressure

Click a small tapping sound

Clack Clicks brother

Chop what an axe says

Careen a car hitting a guardrail

Chirp what a bird says

Cheep what a small bird says

Crunch a hard object crushed

Cough an quick expulsion of air

Cluck more chicken speak

Clunk a heavy object dropped

Croak what a frog says

Chickaboom a rythmic beat

Chomp an eating sound

Chuckle a low laugh

Clash two objects not in agreement

Clatter lots of dropped objects

Cha-ching a cash register

Cuckoo what a psychiatrist says

Choo what a train says

Chew a train eating

Chug a train drinking

Crack breaking a treebranch or spine

Clank a plank of wood on a metal floor

Crow what a crow does

Chip to break off a small piece

Crackle what a fire says

Chuck hurl away someone named charles

Chintz the sound of change going back in your pocket

D

Doink a small berry on a tennis racket

Ding Dong a doorbell

Da Dom Domm detective Joe Friday arriving

Digga Digga the echoey sound of a diving board

Drip what water says

Dinka Dinka a cartoon character sneaking on tippy toes

Dink dipping a pen in a glass inkwell

Dump the sound of garbage thrown into a pit

Dong hitting your head on a large churchbell

Drift car tires losing traction then getting it again

E

Eek what a mouse says or –

what you say when you see one

Earp how a sheriff burps

Eayah what you yell during karate class

F

Fwoosh the sound of a jetplane

Fwap something soft hitting your head

Flip Flop the sound of cheap beach shoes

Fizz what soda says

Fizzle a dud firecracker

Flutter birds wings

Flush what a toilet says

Flitter the sound of butterfly wings

Flap a flying sound

Flog the sound of punishment

Flub almost slipping in the bathtub

Fft a lighter or how to distract a disobedient dog

Fling throwing an object to one you love

Fisst the sound of a tire losing air

Fwip when a small object flies out of reach

Flirt the sound of eyelashes batting

G

Groan an overworked engine

Grind something forced under another object

Galoop stirring thick soup

Gallop how a horse runs in Texas

Gish squishing a bug

Grunt a quick growl of disapproval

Gong hitting a metal plate in disapproval

Gobble what a turkey says-or- eating on Thanksgiving

Gargle liquid in the back of your throat

Growl a friction throat noise

Grumble mummbling in disapproval

Gasp a surprised intake of air

Gag to cut off that intake of air

Giggle to titter and snicker

Glorp pulling a goolash out of mud

Glitch stepping in dogpoop or a disruptive sound

Gurgle what you say at the bottom of a pool

Gleam the sound of shine

Gulp to swallow air

Gweeze squishing mud between your fingers

Guish smishing guava through your toes

H

Honk another car horn

Haaaaaa whisper this word to imitate a crowd cheer

Hoohah a bike horn-or- a shindig

Hum singing with your mouth closed

Hiss an angry snake or cat

Howl what a wold does

Hoot what an owl gives

Ha-ha laughter vocalized

Hack a cat with a hairball

-or- to chop

-or- a comic using recycled humor

Herrr-wee-err what a Didgeridoo says

Hee-Haw how hillbilly’s imitate their favorite show

Hug sound of someone gently squeezing the air out of you

I

Itch the sound of a dog scratching

Ick the sound of a sick dog

-or- your reaction to the sick dog

J

Jigga a diving board

Jang a guitar

Jangle playing a guitar

Jingle what Santa’s shoes do

Jab a quick stab

Junk the sound of throwing garbage away

Jiggle what jello says

Jig a dancing washing machine

Jam strongly stuffing berries into a jar

Jiggy with what Will Smith gets

K

Knock what you do to a door

Kong a large gorilla hitting the ground

Kapow a cartoon sound of getting hit with a brick

Kaboom a noisy cereal

Kaching a small cash register

Kersmitch stomping on a flaming bag of cow poop

Kachunk when an idea falls into place

King a crown falling on the tile floor

Kick the sound of your foot as a weapon

Krinkle to wad up cellophane

Kringle jingle bells inside a Santa outfit

L

Luggle flopping your cheeks around

Lap how dogs drink

Lick how dogs kiss

M

Moo what a cow says

Munch chewing with your mouth closed

Mash what you do to potatoes

Meow what a cat says

Moan what a ghost says

Murmer soft voices speaking low

Mumble speaking under your breath

N

Near what a slide guitar says

Neigh how a horse disapproves

Ning what a train crossing says

Nibble to sample with your teeth

Nip to sample a bit more, not a full bite

Nudge a vocal imitation of discreet push

O

Oink what a pig says -or- orange and pink mixed

Oop reaction to coconuts dropped on your feet

Ooh what a gorilla says

Ooze slow moving glue

Ompa car tires muffled going over a speedbump.

-or- a self reference

P

Plop dropping something mushy on the floor

Poit a popping cork sound

Pip smacking your lips quietly in great expectation

Punch a Hawaiian hitting you in the stomach

Pideek curly getting his eye poked

Pbbfflliitt! a linguio-labial trill -or- raspberry

Ping the sound of a small plastic ball

Plunk to play the piano with one finger

Purr what cats and sweet rides do

Puck the sound of a slap shot

Phlegm the sound of clearing your throat

Plash a soft splash

Pop your dad’s ears depressurizing

Pitter patter little feet

Pppppppp a distant lawn mower

Pitchoo a whispered gunshot

Pidoom a really giant footfall

Pow a voiced gunshot

Psst quietly getting attention -or- a truck’s air brakes

Pling to pluck a harps string

Pluck a single pling

Piddle an unhousebroken dog on a wooden floor

Q

Quack what a duck says

Q whisper the letter, it’s a lazer!

Qualm a uneasy sound your stomach makes

Quisp the sound of a crunchy cereal

R

Ring what a phone does to your ears

Rrrrr what a siren says

Roar a lion

Ruff a dog’s quick bark

Rattle what a snake does to your nerves

Rattatta lame imitation of a tommy gun

Rip what your old pants say

Ribbit what a frog says

Rumble what a thundercloud says

Rustle cows playing in a pile of leaves

Ralph Chong throwing up in Cheech’s lap

Ricky Ricky Ricky imitating scratching a record

Ripple the sound of a pebble dropped in water

S

Snort a violent sniffle

Sizzle what a cooking steak says

Swish to enter a room wearing a cape

Slish what kids do to puddles

Splash jumping in water

Swat military police hitting a rioter

Swig taking a long draught

Slip losing your footing

Sssss a leaky tire -or- snakespeak

Snap what your fingers or Rice Krispies do

Sknit! Wolverines claws coming out

Scratch fingernails on skin

Shatter a sheet of glass breaking, shanoobie

Splat ice cream hitting the sidewalk

Shock what you do to the monkey -or-

touching an electrical outlet

Stomp To pretentiously bang on various objects in the guise of performance art

Stamp The sound of angrily slapping postage on a letter

Slam the car door closing angriliy

Slap an open handed reaction to an inappropriate comment

Snarl curling your upper lip up and growling

Snicker suppressed laughter

Screech car tires around a tight corner

Scrunch your knees as you hunker down

Slosh kids still in puddles

Smack a hard slap or a soft kiss

Sniffle a liquified sniff

Sniff the sound of mucus

Splatter dropping a bowl of soup

Sputter your engine’s last word

Spit hawkaloogey

Sweep what a broom says

Shimmy to vibrate and girate -or- an additive to a “cocoa pop” beat

Shake to move your booty back and forth quickly

Stretch the sound of expanding muscles

Squeak what a mouse says as a door opens

Squawk parrotspeak

Squish stepping in thick oozy mud

Shush librarianspeak

Slash foiled again

Scribble the sound of writing

Spritz what a hose does

Shing unsheathing a sword

Sigh a meloncholy air release

Swirl wind in an eddy

Smash hulk’s fist crushing a car

Schlamiel your shoe’s heel scuffling on the sidewalk outside of Hasenfeffer Incorporated

Swipe zipping a card through the reader begrudgingly

Scrape fingernails on a plate

Shik-shik cocking a gun

Squeegee the sound of a sponge wiping a windshield

Smoosh crushing a spider

Shikka the sound of a running cockroach

Snip what scissors say

Slop lousy lunch food hitting your plate

Squirt a small burst of water

Shonk sheathing your sword

Spitoon tobacco juice hitting a containment recepticle

Shudder a body-wide quiver

Shiver what timbers do

Snitch the annoying whisper of a tattletale

Swizzle flinging colored sugar from a straw

Stab what a knife says

Sprinkle using your fingers to distribute small particles

Strum run your fingers along guitar strings

Saw quick sawing motion sounds

T

Tick Tock clockspeak

Ting tapping a spoon on a glass to get everyone’s attention

Tsk the clicking tongue of a shameful mother

Tchakka vibrating your tongue over your outstetched lower lip

Thwip an arrow going into a straw target

Thunk an arrow going into someone’s chest

Thud getting hit in the head with a mallet

Tweet birds circling your head after getting hit

Tap deliberate rhythmic toe or finger habit

Thwack an arrow with a message attached hitting your chest

Tip-toe the rhythmic sound of sneaking on toes end

Thum plucking a banjo

Tinkle a small bit of water on the ground

Tingle what Peter Parker’s spider sense does

Trickle the last bit of a tinkle

Twang the string of the bow after you shoot

Tikka keyboard typing

Thib the sound of a plucking string

Thip sneaky sounds on tippy toes

Thong The sound of plucking a G string

Toot what a tugboat says

Tween a richocet

Tah-Dah imitating a band’s final flourish

Tonka a small metal truck toy going down stairs

Trump slamming your winning cards on the table

U

Uowow what a growling mountain lion says

Urgh a groan when you lift a heavy object

Ugh a groan when you eat something gross

V

Vroom the sound of a speeding car

(Repeated sound of a car is Deja Vroom)

Vdddrrr the sound of a dentist drill

W

Whack to try something or hit a tree with an axe

Whomp something big hitting… (there it is)

Wham something mid-sized hitting

Whoosh something big just missing you

Whimper a soft whine

Whine a prolonged whimper

Wheeze the lungs of a 300 pound jogger

Whap a quick mild slap to the head

Whisper the sound of hushed voices

Whip the sound of punishment

Whump a cat falling off a bookshelf on carpet

Whiff a quick sniff

Waft odor in motion

Whitish whisper the sound of a whip

Whiz to speed by fastly

Whallop a harder slap to the head

Wing the sound of a bullet grazing you

Wing Ning the sound of dirt bikes

Wretch the sound of vomit

Wooooo a sports freak in a bar

Whirl water or wind in a circular movement

Woo-woo Mr. Rogers imitating a train

Woop the alarm of a submarine before diving

Wink closing one eye quickly -or- the sound of a plastic chip flipped on a pile of other chips

Waffle flopping around on the floor

Wiffle swinging wildly with a plastic toy bat

Wrinkle the sound of wadding up clothes

X

Xing! the zip of a deer in a deer XING

Xxxxxt! the sound of a mad scientist electric antenna

Y

Yack a pukey cat

Yawn the sound of boredom

Yodel to wangle ones tongue and throat in a country-swiss-miss kinda way

Yelp a dog tail in peril

Yeeyee trying to start a car with a dead battery

Z

Zoom something moving faster than the eye

Zip what a zipper says

Zap what a lazer says

Zing what zip gives you

Zonk to be struck with a brilliant idea

Sounds upon themselves: Or indicative of what is going on, products

Sweep

Spank

Spitoon

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Flip Flop

Poof

Flop

Swish

Flush

Chaching

Bling

Vroom

Bungee

Boom

Fump

Barroom

Kong

King

Wisk

Boeing

Wing

Fling